Not enough

Wait... Be still... Be patient... Follow me... ARGH. Ever feel like you just want to say 'Get on with it!!' to God. This is one of those days for me. Last week I started a journey to read my Bible, to seek to hear what God was saying to me. What have I gotten all week... WAIT... BE STILL... BE PATIENT... FOLLOW ME... (insert quiet sigh here). My question... wait for what?!?! Be still? With two kids running around me all day?? Be patient? Do you know me at all? Follow me? Where?

Part of me is laughing at myself right now... you can't hear it or see it but as I write this post I am actually smiling. It's good to hear something from God, even if it's not something I understand or even want. Hearing his voice in my life is refreshing. Not knowing the answers is pushing me to dig in, to keep reading, to keep seeking answers and the results are that I am actually learning things like... wait for it... patience! :)

I guess my big question is... when will I ever achieve the sort of patience that God is seeking? Every time I think I have learned enough to get by I find that it's not really what God had intended. He doesn't want part of me... he wants ALL of me. That's the hard part. Until I leave this earth I am going to be pushed to grow deeper, to learn more, to seek him further, and it will never really be enough. I will never be patient enough or wise enough or strong enough. I will always be pushed to be more. I will always be on a journey to be a person of better moral character. I am not a loaf of bread in an oven that will one day be finished and ready to enjoy. I will never be able to sit back on the couch and say... whew, that was hard, glad it's over. I am a work of art and I won't reach my full worth until I am standing in the throne room of our creator.

Last week... well, let's be honest, last week this would have frustrated me to no end! I would have just sat down (like Kaleb has a tendency to do) and folded my arms over my chest and screamed "NO" in the most insolent two year old tone I could muster. However, this week through the love and support of friends, through the word of God, and through the still small voice that has been whispering love songs to me all week I am in a new place.

I want to keep learning. I want to let go and allow HIM to change me. I want to be better, and I don't want to settle for 'enough'. I want more, not just for me, not just for my husband, not just for my kids but for the God I serve who, in the end will sign his signature on my heart and show me off as one of his masterpieces.