Photographs by Laurie @ Horizons Photography

July 3, 2012

I'm not going anywhere

I am learning (as Josh becomes more vocal) that his fears run deep and he knows more of his situation than he lets on. Today we have the big assessment at Bloorview. Our hopes are that it will result in the much needed speech therapy for Josh.

When I put Josh in the car this morning I wanted to be sure he knew where we were going, to spare any unpleasant surprises when we arrived at yet another hospital. I explained that we would be seeing a doctor who would help him find a way to learn to talk. Josh looked up at me with an impatient look and 'No! No more talk!' and I have admit part of me smiled. This kid is fed up with it all, annoyed and totally impatient. Another part of me sympathized. When we were walking up to the doors of the hospital Josh was dragging his feet so I asked him if he was impatient with me. He looked up me with big unshed tears in his eyes and pointed to the hospital 'scary' he said. I got low, face to face. I explained that nothing that happened today would hurt him and that he would be home by later today. His teary eyes still looked unsure so I kissed his forehead and said 'we are in this together buddy, I'm not going anywhere.' he looked at and grabbed my hand and made the steps forward that led him closer to his fear.

As I write this (while in the hospital) I am struck by two things. One, how much Josh internalizes his fears and worries, and yet how far he has come in being able to share those inner fears with me. When I think back to February when he first shared a fear with me ( see the post Dragon Slayer) and I see him now I am amazed and blessed! What a gift this blog is, to see the giant leaps he is making over the passage of time. It's not always as clear in the day to day thick of things, but if I look back months I can see the changes.

The second thing that woke me up this morning better than any coffee could was that when we are scared, when we have to make a scary step forward, Jesus gets down low, he looks at us face to face and his heart aches to see our unshed tears, and as he kisses our foreheads he whispers in our ear 'we are in this together, I'm not going anywhere' and then he stands up and takes our hand as we make that scary step forward.

I am always amazed at the parallels that God shows me about His character through my boys.


An art sculpture outside the hospital that served to distract him for a brief moment