Photographs by Laurie @ Horizons Photography

October 21, 2016

Even LIttle Details

Writing is something I have missed, somehow in the busyness I have gotten out of the habit and it actually wears on me. Here's the thing though, Once I sit down and actually make myself think about writing it all comes to me in such a rush that I don't know where to start, there is just so much to say and then I become overwhelmed and I close the computer, pour a coffee and try to justify to myself that it's okay.

Today is different. Today I have decided to push everything aside and try to focus.

Last year was a rough year for both of our kids at school. They really struggled in a very tough school, they were lost in the fray so to speak of a school that had so many problems that the kids who behaved were easily dismissed. They didn't learn, they were anxious. They hated going, every morning was hard. I was scared to go to far from our neighbourhood because I was called so frequently to the school for injuries, or concerns, or sometimes I just felt the actual need to check up on what was actually happening on the playground. I never had my phone off, never left it where I couldn't hear it, it was a lifeline in many ways because I knew that it was entirely possible that I may need to go rushing there at a moments notice and the school would need me available.

Josh also had a number of seizures in January and February, on the night of his birthday we had to rush him to the ER where he was unresponsive for over an hour. With changes in medicine doses we did eventually sort him out but it scared all of us, teachers included so we had a number of calls for that as well from the school.

It was at the end of May that a few things happened that prompted me to seriously question the placement of the boys. I won't get into details but I will say that it was the worst school I have ever heard of, and the administration was not doing anything to change things, teachers were left unsupported so they were left to deal with the discipline fall out. I saw that the boys were not only not happy but they weren't learning anything either. I couldn't continue to put them (or us) through that. These two boys have seen enough in life, they have fought to hard for everything, they deserved a chance to flourish, not be left to wilt and ultimately (I believe) fall through the cracks simply because they were not the problem kids in their classes. After numerous talks with the administration I began to see that nothing would change, that I was being told what I wanted to hear but there was no actual follow through, and hadn't been in the three years we had been associated with this school. In a very clear moment of assertion I finally made the choice to pull the kids from that school and have them transferred. The question became, to where? I didn't know what to do, I didn't know what school to ask for so I just asked God to make the decision for me. In the end when I spoke with the school superintendent (a last resort to get my kids out of the school they were in and into a new school) he suggested the school they now attend. It is a school that I wouldn't have chosen at first, but they have two best friends that go to this school so I agreed and hoped and prayed it was what God wanted.

Here's the thing: When I told the boys that they were not going back to the old school in September they were elated! They were beaming and hugging each other, they repeatedly thanked me, Kaper even called me his hero and numerous times told me he was proud of me. It wasn't until that moment that I realized just how bad it had been, just how strong they had needed and proven to be. With light at the end of the tunnel they were both overjoyed and for the rest of the time they had to attend that school they walked taller, lighter from the burdens no longer on their backs.

We are now bringing October to a close, Kaper just turned 7 years old, Josh's heart is unchanged (great news), his seizures are under control, here's what I can tell you about what I have learned through out this past year.

GOD IS IN CONTROL, He knows what he's doing, he cares about not just our health, he cares about the things that we care about, the bully's, the politics in schools, the worry about education, the daily struggles we all face that aren't necessarily something we think to go to him for because they seem small. He is there always, not just when your kid is lying in the ER unresponsive but also when he comes home feeling beat up after a difficult day, week, month... year.

This year when they started that new school they were EXCITED! Josh had his best friend IN HIS CLASS and all four boys have each other to count on at recess. They have teachers who care that they learn, they have administration that doesn't put up with any problems within the classrooms and because of that, they are surrounded by kids who sit and listen, who work to hard to achieve success. Kids want the boundaries adults set and these kids are all proof of that.

The support the boys are getting this year is incredible, just this week I met up with the spec ed teacher that works with Josh. Here is what he said:

Josh is doing incredibly well, 7 weeks into transition into a full size class all day and he's doing fantastic! His reading is not far off grade level, though he needs support still. His math is at grade level and in some cases he's understanding some grade four stuff. (really not my kid). He is well behaved and most important HE TRIES really hard, his effort is amazing. His one teacher said that he tries so hard he must come home exhausted. (He does).

Two years ago we were told that Josh would always have a language impairment, but on Thursday morning his teacher told me that orally he's doing fantastic and just needs some help with his writing and reading. We were told that he would need a special education program for him but this year he's in a regular classroom and thriving. Last year were told his spelling was atrocious (evidenced in absolutely EVERYTHING he tried to write - including spelling - which he spelt speling) but the last two weeks in a row he's gotten 100% on his spelling tests. Everything you tell this kid he can't do he does, he fights, and not only does he fight, he wins.

Last May when I was trying to decide what to do about the school situation I literally spent nights sleepless, not knowing what the best call was, I worried that after the time I spent investing in the relationships at the old school that it would be a difficult step to uproot them and trust a whole new administration and teaching staff. I worried that it was letting the other kids down if I wasn't there to fight on their behalf. Sitting here now, drinking my coffee and reliving it for you I have to say. Moving them was the best call we have made as parents (except for a few medical decisions along the way). Sitting here now, I can see how God was moving, working and taking care of my boys in ways I couldn't have planned or imagined; in ways I couldn't do as their mother because I can't see the bigger picture.

The take home from all of this? He is there regardless of the situation. He cares about EVERY SINGLE LITTLE DETAIL that we come across in our lives. He knows our every worry and he's already moving toward a solution, we can rest in that. For the first time in 8 years I am at rest; knowing that all is well with my boys and my family. Knowing that God is with me even now, he's with them, he's with Tim, he's with you.

February 19, 2016

Get real.

I don't often use this forum to rant but when I do it's often because whatever issue it is has been upsetting me and the only way to feel heard and process why it's upsetting me is to write it down.

This past week there has been a lot of furor at Sick Kids over a silly petition, I'll tell you the basics and then take you through point by point why this upsets me. I encourage you to stick with me here because I know many of you might have seen the article in the paper or on the news and not thought too much about it.

So, a life coach has decided that children need to hear positive words and associate positive things when they are going to the hospital (I am paraphrasing), and she has put forward a petition to change the name to one that is 'easier' on the ears of children. A few of her thoughts: 'the magical hospital' or 'the miracle healing centre'.

I start to talk about this and my blood actually starts to get hotter, then I rush to tell all the reasons why this is so upsetting and wrong and it all comes out in a garbled angry mess. So, bear with me while I take you through this is a more orderly fashion. (This is going to be hard for me since I am used to typing until I am done and just letting my thoughts roll out).

1) Let's talk about the brand Sick Kids. It is the second best children's hospital in the world. Doctors come from all over the globe to be taught by our doctors, because they are best. When someone in China, the Philippines or any other place on the planet hears the name Sick Kids they immediately think positive things. Why? Because there are positive things happening there. One of the doctors we had early on in our Sick Kids journey was a man from Saudi Arabia who was here to learn all that he could from our doctors so that he could go home and save children's lives in his home country. That is what Sick Kid does.  Because Sick Kids has built a brand and that brand is known world wide for being the best. It is prestigious. So, given the brand already in place, the reality is that if suddenly we change the name to 'the magical healing centre' (or some such ridiculousness) and then asked someone in, lets say India, about it, they would look at you blankly because they haven't ever heard of it. This means obviously, that in order to change the name of this prestigious brand we would have to go through a re-branding process that would cost us millions (Im guessing on amounts, I have no idea what it would cost but I imagine it would be multiple millions). Guess where that money would come from? STRAIGHT OUT OF OUR HOSPITAL; straight out of research, straight out of new technology and straight out of the funds for new and better facilities. Basically, re branding Sick Kids would be at the cost of our kids. What's so positive about that?

2) Josh is sick. Every kid that steps into those hallowed halls is--close your eyes for a second if you can't handle non-positive talk--SICK. They (for many different reasons) have entered that building to do battle. They didn't come to ride a roller coaster of fun; they go to Wonderland for that. They came to Sick Kids because they are a) Sick and b) want to get better. Josh himself said to me "You go in sick, you come out better".  As parents and caregivers we don't hide the truth from them (and I am not just speaking for me here, I have heard from MANY parents on this topic in the last week). You can't tell your son he's going to the magical hospital and then hand him to a surgeon for open heart. It is the stepping stone to losing the trust that we as parents need when navigating this horrible journey. I need to know at all times that Josh trusts me with his life when I take him to that place. I tell him going in what is going to happen, all the painful stuff and all, then I hold him while he processes that information. He asks the questions he needs and in the end, walks away from the conversation knowing that I wouldn't do this unless I had too. The positive talk? That comes when he's seconds away from the OR and he's terrified. That's when I pray with him and remind him who he is; a brave, strong, warrior who is loved beyond measure. Positive talk comes in the nights after open heart surgery when he's begging me to make the pain stop and screaming that he 'can't do it'. That's when I stand beside his bed all night, holding his hand and tell him that he can do it, that he already has done it and that he is the fiercest knight I have ever met. Positive talk comes when the nurses, doctors and child life workers walk into his room and do their best to make everything as painless as possible, or to reassure him, or bring him a smile. Positive doesn't happen in a name... it happens inside those walls of a building we never wanted to be in but in an odd way have come to love.

3) I raise my son to believe in God;, to turn to Him for hope and strength and courage. I do my best to teach him that God answers prayers but sometimes those prayers do not get the answer we want. This is a hard lesson. Better to learn it young.  Here's a hard truth. Babies die. Kids die. There is nothing, absolutely NOTHING that can prepare someone for that. Here's another hard truth. Kids like Josh are afraid of dying. It will come up. It does come up, because they are scared that when the anesthesiologist puts that mask on their face they may not wake up. Those conversations need to take place. No positive talk will make that fear go away for a kid. Going to a 'miracle healing centre' and then the child dies? What does that say about death? What does it say to a kid like Josh who would expect a miracle healing, but wakes up in the ICU with his chest cracked open and sewn shut? A kid like Josh who will never be 'cured'.  I believe in miracles, I teach my boys about them, I have sat front row for thousands of them in our journey and I always point them out to Josh. But let me say this: to know a miracle for what it is, you must first know the desperateness of the situation. (Me getting a coffee in the morning is not a miracle. But if you knew how many lives were spared by me having coffee every morning you would indeed see the miracle).

4) Kids, are people. (WHAT?!  Who knew?) They are little people who are growing into big people and they need to know how to cope in life. Life will throw some hard things at you and it hurts. People can be mean, employers can be unfair, spouses can betray, children can hurt you. How do we prepare our little people into the world ready to cope with life when we couch everything in pretty words and bubble gum softness. Let's be real here. It's like giving them an award for showing up every time they show up and then sending them into a world where they are expected to more than show up and then being mad at them for not knowing that. It's insane what we are doing to our kids, we are not teaching them truth, we aren't preparing them for real life, we are not doing them a service we are setting them up to be crushed when they fail. Is that really what is 'best' for them?

5) This is the last thing on my list (thank you for your patience) but to me it's one of the things that frustrates me the most about life in the modern world. The media. Here's the situation. There are millions of really news worthy stories in Toronto, good deeds not reported, worthy causes that don't have the right 'hook' to make it to the news. Yet, there are these people in the media who pick on the truly useless stories (like this petition issue) and make that a top story? Really? This 'life coach' gets more coverage than the kids in that hospital who are waging war on their bodies to find health? She and the media are more concerned with what we call the place than we are with who is inside it, or what illnesses led these kids there? When did we as a society become to callous? When did the media start caring more about the Kardashian's of the world and the silly 'puff' pieces than they do about the truth? We live in a society that cares more about what Trump said last night than we do about the kid who is lying in a bed down the street from you dying from pulmonary hypertension because of the lack of funding for research and care. That is who we have become, Toronto.

The kids who are lucky enough to go for treatment at Sick Kids are sick. They fight daily for the life they have. They struggle through pain and anxiety and wear their scars with pride. They hear 'Sick Kids' and they hear "hope"! Not because of the name but because of the amazing staff and people in that building.  They go there to put on their armour, they go there to become warriors, they go there and find strength, resilience, courage. They go there to win. They don't go there for magic, they go there for the awesome doctors, nurses, technicians, child life workers, therapists and everyone else they run into contact with. They go there for the science that gives them life, not "magic" that promotes false hope. They fight a legitimate battle, and for them, using "cushion words" is demeaning. It belittles and takes away from the legitimacy of what they face.

February 15, 2016

Painful light

You know those months, or two, that seem to go on and on with no end in sight? Yeah, that's what we have been living the past few months. After Josh's last scare (see last post) we got him home and after a few days rest he got back on his feet and seemed to be coping okay. Then we got news from the Eye clinic that his eye surgery was scheduled for February 12th.  The last time he had eye surgery I swore that we would never put him through that again... recovery was tough. His eyes have always been his weak spot, when he's scared or anxious he rubs at his eyes, when the light is too bright his eyes water, he HATES anyone touching his eyes, even talking about his eyes around him causes his eyes to water. 

So you can imagine how he feels when someone cuts into them and works on them, that for him, is the worst feeling in the world. 

The week prior to the surgery he was very scared, and the night before he asked God to give him all of Gods strength and to help him be brave. It just about breaks you heart, because if I could I would do this for him and yet there is absolutely nothing I can do. I have to sit helpless.

The morning of the surgery he asked me to pray for him at least 4 times, and right before they put him to sleep he asked me again. As he drifted off to sleep there were prayers being lifted up around the world for him, I know that, because I know the community we have and I know that their prayers are ever faithful. 

Recovery went ok and we were sent home, but it's not been an easy few days. His pain is horrible to watch. He sits in my lap and says 'It's just too much mummy' and all I can do is hold the ice pack on his eye and snuggle him until it eases and the meds start to kick in. 

He's also been showing signs (or at least more serious signs - since his recent bouts of seizures) of having photophobia. He hates the lights on, and complains that the light is bothering him in even a dimly lit room. 

Last night he prayed 'Please God, make my eyes normal again'...

This is a bummer post... Im tired and this seems all consuming. Please pray for him, for his eyes to heal quickly, for the pain to ease, for the light sensitivity to diminish, for life to find a new normal. So far, this year has been a tough one but it doesn't have to continue this way; pray that God gives us a season of peace after this.

Thank you all for you patience; Ive had many emails about my lack of updates... my computer has been on life-support at the computer hospital, but it's all better now and will hopefully remain in working order. 

February 1, 2016

Day 1 - Year 8

Josh's take on life is that you can't ever let people be satisfied with the status quo... if people start to settle in and relax then it's time to shake things up; or at least that is what I think he thinks sometimes. Yesterday, after a fairly regular day of church, lunch, lego and bed he decided that he was going to spice things up.

At 10:00 He came crashing (literally crashing and stumbling) into our room, fell onto our bed and began telling us some strange things he was seeing in his room. He appeared drunk, and he was seeing things like lego figures walking through tunnels from his CD player, or a ghost tongue, and robots climbing on our bed. This went on for hours, I did some neuro tests that they have taught me to do and called the fellow on call for neurology. He spoke about feeling like he was floating and inquired as to when he would feel 'normal' again. At 4:00 he really began freaking out when he saw ants crawling all over his room and trying to rip down his posters. I brought him to Sick Kids and at about 5:00 he fell into a very deep sleep. Nothing we did would wake him; it was terrifying. At one point we had the ER doctors, the Neurology staff and fellow, the ICU doctors, a respiratory therapist and a whole contingent of nurses leaning over his bed trying to get him to wake up. They resorted to some painful tactics but still he wouldn't wake up. We were sent to CT scan to look for a brain bleed, he had an eye ultra sound to see if his optic nerve was enlarged and then he started to have the facial ticks seizures that he had after his stroke when he was a baby; which brought back all of those horrible scary moments.

(I am telling this in a very matter of fact, quickest way possible because I honestly can't think straight.)

At some point (no idea what time) they got through to him a little with pain, he didn't wake up per say but he was responsive to the pain which was a positive. At around 1:00 pm he woke up and was quite groggy, had unresponsive pupils and not a great recall on the events of the night/day but within the hour he was doing much better. We had an MRI and it's showing no new stroke sights and no brain bleeds which was the main concern for all involved. We have been admitted to the Neurology ward and have an EEG scheduled for tomorrow sometime; they are now assuming it's more seizure activity.

That is how Josh shakes things up when things are status quo.

For obvious reasons we are all exhausted and feel like we have been through a combat zone. We have had some pretty scary moments with Josh, that's not new, but seeing him lying unresponsive was enough to make me ill.

All that being said... He's now playing star wars WII and just finished his second pepperoni pizza. When I joke with him about this being a hotel he smiles and says its fun. Today, in a weak moment I started crying in the coffee line and looked up to see the chaplain we have known since our first night of knowing Josh, he wrapped a gentle hand on me and led me to Josh's room to pray with him. It's those stars in the dark night sky again, shining through when you are looking up.

I think sometimes Josh just likes to remind us that we are still alive, and he does it by giving our hearts a restart.

January 31, 2016

The 'Could be's'

Tough comes to mind, tough and yet fragile. Strong, and gentle, kind and cheeky, worried and hopeful, a really complex array of contradictions that make up one amazing kid. I can't say little boy anyway, that dawned on me today... he's not so little these days. I won't reminisce this year, there has been enough looking back for me about this amazing child, he and I are looking forward, planning his future and dreaming about all the 'could be's' in his life. Right now his big plan is to rescue animals and help them get better, particularly the babies who've been left without a Mummy or Daddy to care for them. Every day it changes but there is always a consistent thread; his desire to help; his hope for a better future; a better planet, and a happier 'human'.

Each night when he says good night to God he makes sure to thank him, and each night he tries to thank him for different things. It ranges nightly. Once he thanked God that his brother had gone out that day and he didn't have to listen to him; another time he thanked him for having a brother. Sometimes he thanks him for nature,  for the earth, for peace, for a home, for breath. His thankful heart, his enduring spirit, his witty sense of humour have served him well and promise to help him as the journey continues.

It has been 8 years since we welcomed this little man in our home, into our hearts. 8 years of lessons and love and hope and beauty and this amazing proof that God answers prayers. His quiet soul has been held in his makers hands and Josh's peaceful heart is the evidence of that encounter.  I am so beyond excited to watch him grow another year older, another year taller, another year wiser...

Happy Birthday Joshua! I am so proud to know you, even more so to call you son. Daddy and I love you more than you can ever possibly imagine; we along with Kaper are so incredibly glad you are a part of our lives. Hugs to you Mr. Man... (I won't say kisses, I know how gross you find those) :D

Love you,

January 26, 2016

a tiny view into my life as a pastors wife

Before I even start this post I need to place a disclaimer:

This is not a post about our church or anything to do with our church. I absolutely love the family of believers that we have joined and feel blessed to be a part of this amazing community. 

This is a post that has been banging out about in my head for years and Ive never had the words to properly express how I feel about it. It's a post that I have worried would be taken offence too so I chose to remain silent... but today I have the words, and today I am not worried that it will cause offence because I think for the average person reading it you will see that it is simply a call to awareness, not a pity cry, not a fishing rod sent out for words of encouragement. It is simply a glimpse into life as a pastors wife; into a pastors life.

In the church, (again, this is the church in the greater terminology not one specific church), when a person is dealing with difficult times, when a person needs comfort or help or prayer or guidance; you turn to your pastor. You seek someone who can lead you forward and help you see things from a new and different perspective. It's a beautiful relationship really, one that I have called upon many times in the past when I was struggling with things, or when I needed hope that only a pastor can clearly offer (and offer in confidence). It's not simply turning to a friend, it's like seeking counselling and you know that this person loves you, loves God, and desires the best for you. You also have a deep trust and knowledge that this person (your pastor) will keep these deep and private thoughts to him/herself.

What I have come to realize in the  last 9 years of marriage is that for a pastor, there is no pastor. A pastor and his family have no such person to turn too. We struggle along the best that we can and when things go wonky there is no objective, loving person to offer guidance and hope and direction or even just to offer up a prayer with us. Being a pastors family can be a lonely place and with no one there to really turn to is there any wonder that pastors burn out? It strikes me as sad that there is no appointed pastor to pastors or pastors wives. Even for the mundane things that sometimes just need an outsider to give clarity too... It grieves me. (This is not a pity post! I am fine, we are fine! I really want to stress that. It is simply as I said, a call to awareness of life with a pastor; because sometimes we aren't fine. Sometimes we need someone to pray with us, to offer advise, to give what Tim is used to giving. Objective, loving, confidential counsel from, not a friend, not a family member but a pastor.)

I am not sure that the general population fully realizes the loss until they find themselves in the situation and that is why I thought to share this today.

January 25, 2016

wait for the scar

Sometimes healing is a quick and painless; a cut that stings but quickly clots and scabs. Sometimes though it is a festering wound, one that needs time and treatments; painful treatments. I once had a burn on my leg from a heating pad. When I woke in the morning my leg stung and had a red sore, I bandaged it and went about my day. That night I discovered it was blistered, I re-bandaged it and went to bed. A few days later the blister burst, again I put on a band aid. Days, in fact weeks went by and that leg got more and more sore, until finally putting any weight on it at all caused me pain. Finally in an attempt to figure out the problem I was forced to give in and see a doctor. He explained that the burn (though it had seemed small and inconspicuous at the time was in fact a third degree burn which had ulcerated on the bone. To heal I would need to take special pains to clean and care for the burn. Twice a day I had to peel off the white scab that was trying to form and wash it clean before I put another bandage on it. It was painful and quite honestly took a large amount of strength and courage (I prefer to ignore painful things if I am honest, and hope they somehow get better on their own). As the days wore on and I stuck to the twice a day cleaning I began to notice changes, the redness eased, walking became easier, and slowly I could begin to see the ulcer as it rose from my bone to the surface. When the ulcer finally surfaced my leg was able to scab up and heal properly.

Healing, emotionally sometimes feels much like that ulcerated burn. Sometimes peeling back the white scab of the raw infected wound is almost more than you can bare and yet it is the only way to really get health back. Old hurts, the ones that are caused by those who you love most, the ones that should be there for you when it matters most but aren't, those are the hurts that most often leave the ulcers on the bones; and they are they are the ones that we too often just bandage and leave alone to fester, those are the ones where infection thrives. Wounds like that take time, they hurt, healing comes at a cost.

I look at my leg now and I see only a scar, a reminder of that little life lesson I have learned along the way... Sometimes I just touch it and remember that there are times in life when you have to take the bandage off and deal with the wound; even if it's only between yourself and God, even if the person who wounded you isn't here to or is unwilling to say they are sorry, even if you have to quietly just say to God 'I choose to forgive them today, and I will have to do it again tomorrow.' As the days of saying those words move forward you one day wake up to realize that the ulcer has reached the surface and all that is left is the scar.