I know without doubt that you are there, I know that you care about all the little things in my life and all the big things. I know that you can do the impossible and I know that without you all hope is lost. That being said... I am so frustrated! I have been trying everything I can think of to get Josh the therapy he needs, to see him whole and every door I knock on is being slammed in my face. I don't get it?! The thing is, I believe you are working and I am trying really hard not to lose hope. I am fighting this discouragement with all that I am but you must know... I am hopelessly tired.
In my life it has always been at the moment that there is no way humanly to do something that you show up and show me that you are GOD. I think we are at that point now and it's the only hope I have left. I need you. I really need you to step in here and help us.
Every tear, every fear, every shout have left me drained of all energy, I am tired all the time and I can't think of what the next step is. I can't seem to figure this one out. You have given me a brain that doesn't do details and this whole mess is leaving me having to stretch myself, I hate nagging people and this has forced me to be the squeeky wheel but it's all for naught.
We live in a place where we are blessed to have government funded health care, for that I am truly blessed. Josh wouldn't be here otherwise and I thank you for that. However, that same system has holes. No system is perfect, I understand that but who is left to suffer? The kids like Josh. Kids whose parents are not poor enough to get funding, not rich enough to cover the costs, kids who don't have the 'right' diagnosis for publicly funded therapy, kids who weren't at the right age when they suffered their injuries, kids who in the end are falling through the cracks. How many kids are out there God who so badly need help but aren't getting it?
I know that you are up there... I honestly do, You know I do. You can see my heart and you know my mind. I just can't seem to see you working. All I see is the doors that have been slammed shut and I am begging you to help him. Please. I have asked alot in life, I know that. I am not perfect and yet you have loved me, shown me grace, protected me and brought me blessings that far out number the stars. Please, show Josh that same love and grace? Please, God. Heal my son. If the therapy can't be secured then can you be his therapist? Can you heal him? Will you step in where I have failed and knit his brain back together? Will you please help us?
I will never stop loving you, frustrated or not. I would just really like to see you in this...
I am left to wonder, the big question. What if Josh is not supposed to be healed? I won't love him less, that is one sure thing. He is a gift of such magnitude that I can't begin to describe my love for him, or my thankfulness to you for his life. Will I turn from you? No. I know that in all things you are God, no matter what your reasons. If this is not to be, if Josh is not supposed to be healed... can you please just give me peace with that. I need some peace. You are not a God of chaos, I know that and yet all I feel is chaos. Please help us.