Photographs by Laurie @ Horizons Photography

May 22, 2013

What didn't suck


I am happy and surprised to announce that today went as smoothly as possible... truly it's been amazing! He went in with no fuss, they let me hold the mask for him while he went to sleep and only once did he look scared, I asked if he wanted me to pray, he said yes and before I could finish the prayer he was out. The wait was shorter than we were told (three hours instead of four) and he was only sick a few times because of blood in his tummy. He was out of it for quite a while, but as he perked up he was given 7 or 8 freezies (white - nothing else would do) two apple juices, a water, 6 crackers and four cookies... :s

It took a while to get the bleeding to stop but it did, and then he took his first few wobbly steps and after that it was time to head home. This kid proved to me again today that he is the strongest, baddest, bravest heart warrior I know! WOW!

The results of the tests are what we already knew... the tricuspid is the valve causing trouble, the leak has grown and the combination of the leaky pulmonary valve and the Tricuspid are what is causing Josh's main issues . The options have been narrowed down to two... Tricuspid replacement or the replacement plus a shunt. The good... no great news... is that we DEFINITELY have the surgeon that we wanted, the same one that did his last surgery. Tim and I are thrilled with this bit of news because the recovery was awesome last time, the scar was 'beautiful' and from what we understand he is one of the best in the world.

On Monday the team will meet again to discuss Josh's case and make the decisions and we should know by 5pm. (I will of course update you when we know).

I know that all of this sucks.. It's not what I would have wanted for our son, or anyone's son/daughter for that matter. How do you look at your child, the one who grew inside of you, the one who believes you have the answers to all of his questions, the one who thinks you can fix anything... and only watch, and wait for the pain to come? How do you promise tomorrow, promise to fix the heart he so desperately wants fixed when you know that you don't have the power to help him? How do you hold him through his tears and tell him its going to be okay, when he can see your own tears pouring down like rain? It's not that I find this easy, it's not that I am made of superhuman strength or that I don't feel, today sucked. Monday will most likely suck. The weeks leading up to his surgery will suck. Watching your child suffer anything like this is a bone crushing pain that can't be described, only experienced.

However, this week as I was reading the news and hearing of the terrible loss of life in Oklahoma I was made all too aware of how fragile life is. Sending your child off to school should be as normal as rain in April, leaves falling off trees in the fall, or warm summer breezes. Yet, in an instant it can all go wrong, it can all go horribly wrong. I read some heartbreaking stories, I put myself in the shoes of those parents who have lost a part of their heart forever and I grieved with them.

Yes, today sucked; but what didn't suck was seeing the smile on Joshua's face when he got his second, third, fourth freezy. Seeing his brother gently touch his shoulder when he was reunited with him, feeling his hand hold mine when he was waiting for it all to begin, listening to him tell the doctor (with words - real words) that he wanted his heart to be fixed. What didn't suck was seeing God answering prayers right in front of our eyes, seeing all the red photos pouring into my inbox all day and knowing that all these people are praying for Josh right now. What didn't suck was hearing Josh say at bedtime 'it doesn't hurt Mummy'. What didn't suck was hearing him whisper with deep concern when he woke up and Kaleb wasn't there 'Is Kaleb all alone?' and being more worried about his little brother than himself.

Today. That is it. It's all we have. Tomorrow tragedy could strike anyone of us, and today as I drove to the hospital I had to wonder... did I take them time today to thank God that I am even here? Did I stop moaning about Josh's situation long enough to say 'thank you for giving me another morning with my boys, another kiss, another hug, another smile, another tickle time?'



*Keep those Reds coming in! It's going to be a fantastic collage!