This morning was an early one, at 5:00 am Kaleb woke me saying he was going to be sick, we rushed to the toilet but all he really had to do was cough. I tucked him back into his warm sheets and shuffled back down the hall to my own bed. Then I lay there; for what felt like hours but in actuality was only 23 painful minutes of knowing that I was awake but not yet ready to give up hope. Finally, when I realized my tossing and turning was threatening Tim's sleep as well I caved, that and the thought of a fresh brewed cup of java (to be enjoyed in a silent house) got me out of bed.
So many things run through my mind when I wake up in the night, or very early morning, usually they are the worst case scenarios, the fear, the worry, the anxiety, the what if's, the turbulent thoughts that nag at you and seem to be heightened when the lights are out. I have shared about this before, about the fear that lurks in the dark shadows, waiting until I am just trying to sleep or maybe just not willing to wake up before it rears it's ugly head and snarls it's teeth at me. Today, while I lay in bed trying desperately to fall back asleep I felt the cold chill begin to settle on me, my thoughts flitting from one worry to the next, trying to sort out in my mind how to handle all the things that need to be handled, how to manage all the emotional stuff for the kids, how to best support my husband in his ministry, how to best be a Mom in the trying weeks ahead, but also just in general. All these thoughts, all these fears.
If you knew me, 'back in the day' you would know that I have always been fairly laid back, not a worrier, not at all organized, not a planner, not anxious about anything (unless I knew I was in BIG trouble). I went with the flow and took the blows so to speak. Becoming a mother has changed things for me somewhat (it's like when I got pregnant I had a new and very undesired hormone or something that causes me to worry and be anxious) and this morning, I figured out what part of my anxiety is from, and this for me (after 5 years of parenting) is an epiphany!
As I lay there frustrated that once again this monster was invading my bedroom, threatening my sleep, I tried to figure out when I had changed from carefree, whatever happens, kind of girl; to the woman lying in her bed paralyzed with fear and dreading the days to come. That was when I realized that the bulk of my problem lies in my base personality. I, Laurie Haughton, have never been an organized soul, nor am I a patient soul... now, as a mother of two sick kids with appointments weekly, therapists, funding to organize, talks to speak, ambassador jobs, photography jobs, school meetings, research meetings, and of course we can't forget raising these two little men in the process while also trying to keep my marriage whole and healthy. All the sudden I am NEEDING organization, I NEED planning skills... I have been weighed and measured and found lacking. This morning I realized that the most anxiety I feel is around the planning part of our life, the worry that I will miss an appointment, not be able to fit them all in, or that in all the planning for Josh I will miss out on times with Kaleb. I have a date book, a calendar on the fridge and of course my handy iphone calendar... and yet I am still anxious about it all working out. It's like I have a whole bunch of cartoon bubbles in my head with all the things I need to do, organize, plan, calls to make, emails to write, the list goes on and on and yet all those bubbles up there just float around unorganized and causing stress. Add to that, I have the uncertainty of daily life, there are so many questions that need answering before I can even begin to attempt to organize or plan for them. Our summer is all in doubt, so many things could topple over and make all the plans collapse and crash all over me. It's overwhelming to say the least.
I admire people who have a gift of organization, Tim has it, my Mom has it, Tim's parent's have it, in fact, almost everyone I know seems to have it yet for some reason no matter how hard I try I can't seem to find a system that works.
I talked all this through with Tim this morning and he is planning on helping me, but my real question is, is it possible? Is it hopeless to train me into an organized person? How do I sort through the bubbles? Is there an app for that?