ugh

Josh & his playdoh broken heart.

Today, before the call came in I gave the boys (who were tired and moody) some play-doh to play with and amuse themselves for as long as possible. Kaleb, who was particularly unhappy with something was crying in the corner so I was dealing him him. Once he settled I went to the table where Josh was working diligently on something. I made a coffee and listened to the boys chatter... Then I overheard Josh say to Kaleb 'This is my heart, it's broken' to Kaleb, then Kaleb, not to be out done also made something and put it to his chest and said 'I have a heart too' and Josh responded with 'you have a fixed heart; don't break it'.

I am sitting here still reeling from the news, the decisions and the days and weeks to come and all I can think about is those words. He wants his heart fixed... not broken to the point of no return. In all of my life I have come to cross roads where the decisions I made were going to send me in a different direction than I had anticipated. Going to Austria, changed to course of my life and my faith. Saying yes to Tim changed my life forever in the best possible way. Having kids... but this?

For obvious reasons I am forestalling bed... lying down in a dark room to think these thoughts, worry over what could go wrong, fear the unknown or question the wisdom of every choice and decision we have made or will make. Well, it feels like if I try it will mean I am inviting the monster into my bed and I am not ready to face him yet.

I still feel like a little girl inside, I know I have grown up, I am a woman, a wife, a mother... but inside I still feel like the little girl with a socks at awkward angles and a bandaid on my knee. At what point do you become 'grown up' enough to choose and possibly dictate the course of your son's life in this way. No matter what we choose the results could prove disastrous for him. Hearing Heart transplant being put on the table sends a bone chill through me and I can't get warm. I feel like I am on a precepice and one wrong step, one misjudgement, will topple me.

I know I said I was speechless in my earlier post.... but as it turns out, that's not a state I am well able to stay in; as an extrovert I can't help but spew my thoughts onto this blog and hope that they make a little sense.

Tonight I ache, my soul is rocked. I feel gutted. Tomorrow, as I know from experience I will figure out a way to move ahead. I will somehow be given enough strength to take the steps I need to take in order to go about my day. Tomorrow I will find the peace that God is holding out to me, tomorrow I will sit with Tim and make a judgement call that will either help Josh, or offer him a whole lot of pain and suffering. BUT, tonight I am going to just sit in the shadows between now and then and try to wrap my head around how in the world we ended up here?!

I know God has a plan... I am not angry, I am not without faith, I know that we are loved. I just wish, just once that I could understand the why. I wish he would come down if only for a moment and whisper 'this is the plan' in my ear so that just for one moment I can feel his breath on my cheek and know there is purpose to this. He's five year old and forgive me for being the petulant child that I feel like; but I can't help but want to yell 'it's not fair'.

I know there is more pain than mine in the world and that grieves me to no end because this hurts like hell, so what must those whose burdens are heavier must feel? Tim said tonight... and I have to agree. Lord Jesus come soon... we are so in need of your final rescue.