May 29, 2013
One of the amazing things that I have learned and continue to learn through out this life is that as humans, we adapt, we change, and even if we don't want to, we grow. Kaleb and I were talking about growing up, (tall like Daddy) and he was telling me that he needed to drink lots of water and get lots of sun and then he would grow, just like the flowers. An interesting perspective I must admit but I wondered if we changed that just a little and instead of sun we said son. I remember a time in my life when conviction rang through my ears on a daily basis, fighting against what I wanted to do and what I knew I should do. God's call on my life from an early age was loud and clear but I have to admit that I fought it with all I had in me. I used to wish wholeheartedly that I wasn't raised in a Christian home because then I could do what I want without all that guilt. Now, as I tread through muddy waters I can't imagine what life would be like without the 'son' to look up to. What life would be like if I didn't have the hope that God offers, the peace he gives. He has shaped me, moved me, stretched me and continues to work at me, continues to point out the areas that need work, the places I still need stretching and no, it's not always comfortable. When we started this journey into parenthood I can safely say we were different people. The road of motherhood has shone a light on my failings of youth, my recklessness, my fearlessness, my immaturity and it's grounded my faith in a way that no other life experience prior could do.
No amount of growth will ever saitisfy, we are always been changed and stretched, until we die we will grow, maybe no up (though more often than not 'out') but into more well rounded people if we allow the thirst and the son to do their work.
Last night Josh asked me a question, one that broke my heart and one that clearly worried him. He asked 'Mummy, am I going to die?'. I assured him that no, we were going to work really hard to make sure that that didn't happen. I did my best to stifle tears as I held him and tried to find the right words, the right explanation and yet ease those worry frowns off his face. Where he got this from I have no idea... He could have picked it up anywhere... but I can honestly say that I wasn't expecting it. We talked about growing up, he wants to be like his Daddy, and how he needs to eat well, drink lots of water and never stop trusting God to look after him and comfort him. I still don't know if he's satisfied with my answers but I do know that when it was all said and done I asked him what he thought and he said 'I'm not going to die' with an assurance that seemed real.
Each day with these two boys is a gift, a chance to learn, a way to be brought up short and count my blessings, each day is another chance to grow.
So, today... in spite of it all. I thank God that I am awake, that I have another day to learn patience (my nemesis), to find new facets of faith, new answers to life's questions. I thank God for the two boys who at times drive me crazy and yet fill my heart to overflowing. They are my heart walking around in the world, scary as that may be at times, I wouldn't change it for the world.