|Great Grandpa and Josh playing cars together|
For example, I feel like I met Tim last week in so many ways but I look at everything we have gone through together and I feel like it has been 10 years, Josh is three and a half and yet I feel like he was just born, he's still a baby is he not? Kaleb, with every new development I think, he can't do that yet can he? He's not old enough to know that, figure that out? Then I realize that yes, he's 18 months... time is both friend and enemy. It heals and it wounds all at the same time.
As I sit here waiting for next Monday and the meeting of minds at Sick Kids I feel this particularly... I am glad for the reprieve that we have been given, I have been embracing denial until that meeting and I thank God for the time and chance to do that. However, the waiting is really killing me at the same time.
When we are kids, we long for adulthood, as adults we long for the days when we were free to stay out until the street lights were on, playing games with friends and not worrying at all about anything. Never satisfied, always in this tug of war with time.
People we love become ill, they grow old and show signs of their age and we fight against time to keep them as they were, wanting to stunt their growth, wanting selfishly to keep them from moving beyond where we are ready to let them go. I say this of both older people but also our children. Do we not all want in some way to keep them in a certain stage? Kaleb is my snugly child and he loves to run to my legs and offer random hugs, or he will crawl into my lap for no other reason than a snuggle. If I could I would keep him this age forever, and yet it would stunt him, prevent him from being the man he could be. Once again I am in a war with Time.
People die, they age and they die. Today Tim will bury his Grandmother, his Mom is saying goodbye to the woman who gave her life. Is it unfair? Yes. It sucks. Death sucks no matter how old the person is, it's never fair, it's not supposed to be, we were meant to live life eternally. It's sad, it's unfair and yet at the very same time, Grandma is gone to rest with God forever, she is healthy and peaceful and finally home. I never did like the game tug of war.
Why am I writing you ask? I haven't got a clue... I am just finding my coffee deprived brain is sifting through the inner battles this morning. Good and Bad, Right and Wrong, Soon and Not soon enough, Fair and Unfair and it all brings me to Time and how we just don't have enough, and yet we have too much.
We have enough time to work for success but if you look back, have you had enough time with those you have lost? You have enough time to lament illness, but have you had enough to hold a friend or child who is ill? We have enough time to complain about a person we love, but have we had enough time to tell them how much they are loved? We have the time to wait for growth but all we can think to do is rush it, in our impatience we are missing out on the gifts that Time brings to us.
Tell that loved one today that you love them, snuggle the child who is young enough to want it, hold the person you love who is ill, let them know the comfort you can offer. Spend time with the friends and loved ones you have neglected due to gaining status at work... we don't have as much time as you think for things that matter most.