Photographs by Laurie @ Horizons Photography

October 3, 2011

How did I miss the whisper?

This morning I was grumbling about Josh's lack of communication, I was praying for some kind of break through, some new words, some hope and generally just feeling sorry for myself. It was a rough morning, he's been so used to just chilling on the couch watching movies while he recovered, longer in fact because as his heart failed his stamina left him as well. So for months he's been pretty lazy, and I have allowed it. This weekend however we have begun to crack the whip a little bit, sensing that he has a little more energy we have pushed him to play rather than watch TV. Basically he's been spoiled for the last number of months and now we are in the process of re establishing the rules of the house. (Not easy for him I guess) The result this morning led to four time outs by 10am, not a great start to a day.

At 10 I put Kaleb down for his nap and Josh and I sat on the couch for a cuddle, both of us were exhausted, and I chatted with him about the new 'rules'. Then we played for a while and then he watched an episode of Diego so I could sleep. (YES, I know... the hypocrisy is disgusting!). When Diego (or was it Dora?) ended we made lunch and headed to school. I continued to pray during the drive that God would help him, help his speech, I continued to feel sorry for myself.

When I went back to get Josh from school the teacher said that the theme this week is apples, and he had apples for snack and painted apples. So, when we got in the car I asked him about apples, and he said 'eat apples' a few times, pointing to his mouth. I asked him if he liked the apples and he said 'good'. Then he and his brother started to get into it and I got involved in traffic issues and the short 'coversation ended'. When I was getting out of the car Josh looked at me and said 'apples, paint' and I smiled, I had not asked about painting the apples so this was information he was offering me, he was telling me about his day. I helped him out the car and we chatted about apples as we walked into the house.

When I pulled out his art work from his backpack I found a picture of a male face, I asked if this was Josh or Daddy and he said 'Daddy', then we went together and put it on the fridge. When Daddy came home I asked him to ask Josh who the picture on the fridge was and after doing so Josh turned to him and, pointing he said 'you' 'daddy'. Tim and I looked at each other in amazement, he had never used a pro-noun before!

After Josh went to bed I sat down to catch up on edits and emails and found myself on facebook instead, I saw a link to a video called Thankful. A man walks into his bedroom, ready for bed, and prays 'Lord, I am at the end of my rope, show me what I can be thankful for' and promptly falls asleep. The next morning he gets up and words accompany his day, 'you can move, you have water, lots of it, you have food to eat, you  have never known hunger, you have clothes to wear, shelter, money to buy a morning coffee, you have a car, you have a job, you have friends, you have family who love you, you have a bed to sleep in'. The day winds up with this man sitting in the same position as the previous night, whispering the same prayer. "Lord, I am at the end of my rope, show me what I can be thankful for'.

It clicked. God has been giving me answers to my questions, one's I hadn't known I had asked yet. He's telling me what I have to be thankful for, and I have been so full of self pity that I have been missing it, whispering the same prayers over and over.

As thanksgiving approaches (Canadian Thanksgiving) I am stunned by this particular reality, how can I hear Josh using two words together, once on the weekend I heard four words strung together, today a pro-noun and an offer of communication about his day, how can I hear all of this and not hear God's whisper 'You have a two beautiful sons, you have a loving and devoted husband, you have a family who loves you, you have a home, you have a car, you have food to eat, you have clean water, lots of it, you have a school to take Josh where he'll get the help he needs, you have money to buy a coffee, you have a job you love, you have a family that loves you and friends that care about you, you have a bed to sleep on tonight...'? How in the world did I miss it?