Photographs by Laurie @ Horizons Photography

April 19, 2011

What is wrong with me??

This is going to sound like I have lost my mind, or at least my faith in God and his ability... it's not that at all, it's just that I have heard some things this week that illicit a normal amount of fear and panic that only God can ease...

This week I have heard of three deaths, THREE deaths, of kids in their late teens or early twenties that were born with heart defects. Now, my rational brain hears these stories and says, 'they may not have had the same defect'... oh, I know that not all cases are the same, I understand that Josh's case is different from others, and in some cases worse and in some cases better. I thank God that he is here, every day that I have with him, to enjoy his laughter, his smiles, his hugs, his silliness, his voice, his touch, his hugs... every single moment I get to share with him is a gift that I try not to take for granted.

However, then I hear things like these three deaths and this fear that hides in the shadows sneaks up and causes nausea to creep into my tummy. If I allow myself to think about it, even for a moment a panic causes my eyes to tear, my heart to race and my stomach to rebel. Will it always be like this? Will this fear ever leave? Will I ever be able to hear of these deaths, tragedies really, and not think of Josh, not worry about his future, not feel the sick dread of the unknowns in his life?

Why is it, that even though I know I have to enjoy these days with both my kids because we don't know what tomorrow holds, though I know I should not worry about tomorrow because today holds enough worries of it's own... why, why do I fear this more than any fear I have ever known before? Why can't I just trust God to do what is best, and then relax and enjoy the time I am given?