For the last few days I have been so out of it that I actually forgot my password to my account, hence the lack of Blogs, well, that and the fact that time here is spent at Joshua's bedside and not at the computer. During that time I have had things running through my mind that I wanted to just Blog, things I wanted to say, things I was feeling. Now, here I am, finally sitting at a computer and my brain is defunct. I will do my best though, and we will see what happens.
I will start in Austria a number of years ago. We used to sing a song at church there, one that I loved because of it's simplicity and beauty. It was just three lines and yet it stuck with me always and I often sang it during my day. However, upon returning home I had lost the tune, and the last two lines. I could only remember the first line, 'don't be afraid'. Then I had Josh, and he got a toy guitar and one of the tunes started with 'Dont be afraid' (a rather annoying little tune really) and I lost hope of every recovering that song. Every time I tried the only tune I could come up with was that of the stupid little guitar.
On Monday we sat for 9 hours while Josh had open heart surgery. It went double the amount of time they told us it would take. I cannot tell you what that does to you, unless you have had a child or loved on in surgery like that it's indescribable. Every time a person by the door moved I looked up, there was no way I could read, no way I could do anything but pace, or sit staring at the door where I last saw my son. I would sit there, watching the door and every once and awhile I would panic. I would think, what ifs? What if he ends up in coma? What if he needs the tricuspid replaced? What if that goes wrong? Worse, and this one brought extreme panic, what if he dies? Every time I saw a security guard I thought they were coming to be on guard while the Dr. relayed this terrible news.
Every time I panicked, one thing came to mind, with perfect clarity and no struggle to remember, the words and the tune to that old song that I had thought was long since gone.
'don't be afraid,
my love is stronger,
my love is stronger than your fear'
I has run through my head since Monday morning, I have been singing it to Josh and myself and will continue to do so when the panic comes. It has been Gods message to me since I was pregnant with Josh, Don't be afraid, be strong and courageous, don't be afraid, My love is stronger.