I caved to self pity the other day, I allowed it to eat me up until I was a mess of tears, frustration and discouragement and in the end I went to bed feeling hopeless, tired and angry. We have had the last two weeks off for holidays and instead of resting up for the next few insane weeks, we got the flu, then a cold and then renovated our basement, we had one fun night in the midst of illness after illness. Every plan we made for any kind of outing was spoiled by flu, my days have been filled with changing gross diapers filled with runny yellow fluid, or cleaning up vomit, changing sheets, changing clothes, holding hands, wiping tears and noses, all of this of course while dealing with a sick husband, and being sick myself. So, you see, I finally gave in and allowed the pity party to start, it wasn't a fun party, there was no wine, no streamers, no cake...although I did go and buy myself a little Austrian chocolate. No, it wasn't a party I would want to invite anyone too. I am even slightly embarrassed throwing it really.
Not to explain or even excuse my badly planned party but I do have reasons why I felt the need to have it, and in the end of this post you will know why I needed to give reasons. You see, in just over a week I will go to the hospital with Josh and I will stay there until he comes home with me. He will need my twenty four hour care, during the night hours while he sleeps (hopefully) nurses will still come into the room, waking me thought they try not too. Tests and Rounds and Visits will cut out hopes for a nap, so any kind of rest will be out of the picture. I will come home, to begin the Christmas season, with a house to decorate and two kids to look after, one of which will still need a lot of extra care. Church life begins to get insane around this time of year so again, life will be hectic, we will be exhausted I had hoped that this holiday would see me go into this next chapter rested, ready, instead I found myself more wrung out than normal. I don't say this to instill sympathy, I don't really need it or want it. I simply tell you this so that I can tell you what I learned this week about rest.
The night I threw my pity party I received an email from my Dad, he had heard the discouragement in my voice and wanted to write to encourage me. He said a lot of things but what I took away was this.
'Be still and know that I am God'. So simple isn't it? Be still. In this insanity I have somehow forgotten to just be still. I am moving, turning, spiralling, trying to find answers, trying to understand, trying to make things as simple as I can for Josh, I am moving and running and even in sleep I am fighting for answers, cures, whispers of hope. Obviously it hasn't helped, or I wouldn't have had that little party the other night. At no point have I stopped and just been still. Not once have I just rested in the sovereignty of God, putting at the cross all of my fears, all of my hurts, discouragement, frustrations. Instead I have been fighting to control it all. I have been buying things for Josh that might comfort him, new pj's, books, videos, puzzles, anything that will help this go smoother for him. (not that it's wrong to do those things, I don't believe it is). I think, I know, it's because I want to control something in this chaos. I have forgotten that God is in control and God is not chaos. He has the beginning and the end all worked out and he knows Joshua, he knows his doctors, he knows me and he knows what we all need and will see to it. My job, as Joshua's Mum is to love Josh the best that I know how. The rest,the stuff I can't control? That's for God to worry about.
So, here is to new beginnings. I am going to do my best to use these last few precious days of holidays to 'Be still' and know that He is God. I will give it to him and rest in the knowledge that he is in control and he loves us. That has to be enough for now.