Not about me

On Friday Josh had an OT (Occupational Therapy) appointment. While I was there I ran into our Physio therapist and chatted with him briefly to let him know that Josh's surgery was going to happen this summer and if he wanted us to do the casting it would have to be right away. Today he phoned me, it turns out he's been thinking about Josh all weekend and wanted to talk a little more about it. In order for the casting to work properly (training his muscles and hopefully helping him to walk on his flat feet rather than his tip toes, Josh will need to be active and have extensive therapy post casting which he won't be able to do if he's laid up in the hospital recovering from heart bypass. He feels that if we do the casting now, in light of what may come this summer, that there is a chance it won't work the way we are hoping. So, he's allowing us to wait until September, at which point he will be in Bloorview school and be able to get started immediately with the intensive therapy through the school. He said 'It actually works out much better' and I smiled. Of course it does...

So, the good news for this week is that casting Joshua's two legs this month is now off the table and spring is not going to be ruined for him! I have to admit that I find relief in that, it's not that the casting will be painful but it's certainly not going to be 'comfortable' for him nor will it be easy for us. To have that pushed back gives the procrastinator in me a sigh of relief.

The Bible tells me that God works all things together for good, for those who love him. I see that daily these days. When we first heard about the surgery we were coming off the back of hearing about this development with his legs and I couldn't help but worry about the timing, I pictured Josh in casts and having to go through all that he's about to face and I started to wonder if maybe we should put off the casting until September. I thought out all the pros and cons, do we let him them put him in casts before surgery or do we put him through even more post surgery? How do you know what is best? I have to be honest and say that I didn't pray about it, I just wondered it and discussed it with Tim. Somehow I find it pretty awesome that even through I didn't specifically pray about it, God still knew it was a concern and answered my question for me. It made me think back to all the times I have worried about something or thought out something but not prayed and yet still got an answer, and that led me to thinking about prayer, what is it? What does it look like? It would seem I am always coming back to that question in this blog... The reality that I am starting to see is that when in relationship with an omnipotent God, he knows what is on my heart even without me saying it out loud to him in formal prayer. Not that praying isn't important, I am not suggesting that. I am however saying that Prayer, relationship, is a knowing. God knows me, he knows my heart, he knows Josh and he knows Joshua's heart, and in that knowing, he seeks to ease our fears and help us answer the tougher questions that we don't have the words or forethought to pray.

Then I started thinking about all the times I haven't known what to pray for, all the times I have sat staring at Josh or Kaleb and wanting to pray for them (not just their health issues but just for them, as they grow and learn, who they will become, who they will meet and develop relationships with... all the little things that as parents we want to pray for them) I often want to pray but feel overwhelmed with the amount of things there are to pray about and I find that I have no words at all. What do you say, how do you say it? What if I ask the wrong thing?

Today it dawned on me... it's not the words that matter. I can say nothing to God and he will still do what is best for my boys and Tim, it's more about the actual act of taking time to talk with him. To build relationship with him. What kind of marriage would we have if Tim and I never spoke to each other? I don't need to tell Tim when I am worried, he often knows before I say a word, but I still tell him and in the telling I find that I have someone to share the burden with. I can sit in silence with God, not knowing what to say to him, not knowing how to share my deepest fears with him but he already knows, and when I do find the words I find that I am not alone, He's right there with me and listening.

Whatever happens, prayer or no prayer, it isn't going to change how God answers, how he provides, how he moves and works. My prayers don't change Gods mind, they simply open the lines of communication and build a relationship with Him. This has been such a relief to me and I can't believe I didn't learn this before. All this time I have been thinking I have to pray harder, I have to be more faithful, I have to do more... or worse, I am praying wrong, I am not saying the right words, I don't have enough faith... crazy isn't... it's not about me?! :)