in the silence

Time and time again I find myself in a place of questioning the wisdom of God, like I have some sort of knowledge that tops his or something!? I can't tell you why I do it, or if it's just that I am suffering from the human condition. What I can tell you is that God quickly turns me about face and reminds me that I am actually fallible, that while I may 'think' I know what I see, I can't see beyond the limits of my humanness.

Beyond me there is a world full of suffering, a world full of despair, a world full of pain and beyond me, God is working to heal those wounds, to bring some good out of the suffering, to pour out his love, like a balm to soothe the hurts. While I can't see what he is doing, I am once again reminded that he is in fact 'doing' something. Wasn't it Socrates that spoke about us being but a grain of sand? (I could be wrong... I have Bill and Ted's Excellent adventure running through my head right now). It doesn't matter if I am right about Socrates or not, the reality is that today while sitting in a pew at church, letting the music wash over me I was reminded that I am a grain of sand on a beach that stretches the imagination. I can't ask the why, without first understanding this simple truth. God has a plan. That is all the trust I need to have right now, there is no such thing as 'too little faith'. Believing just a little is believing enough for the moment. Lynn, (our associate Pastor) spoke about God being someone that we see the back of, (she quoted a Jesuit priest that I don't know so I can't pass along the actual quote, but it doesn't matter... it's the point that matters). We may not encounter God in the moments, but if we look back in our lives we can see him walking in our lives, working, healing, moving... that is what I need to cling to this week because if ever there is a lesson that Joshua has taught me through out his life it's that if I look back I can see God as surly as he if he was standing before me. Every little thing that has happened along the road has been touched by the hand of God. I can see it clearly when looking back so I need to trust it as I move forward. I don't have the answer to why we suffer, I can't tell you why God allows suffering except to say that in the garden, humans made a choice of death over life, and with death comes pain and suffering. With Easter came the reminder that God is victorious over death, and from that I choose to believe that God is using our suffering to bring victory to us, and to those who are close to us. His work isn't about me, Joshua's Mum... it's about His Kingdom. Learning this is not fun, it's not even an answer that satisfies me on many levels. It comforts me to a degree yes; but I would be lying if I said it was enough. What I really want is for God to come over for a cup of coffee and tell me that Josh will be fine, that he will achieve all his therapy goals, that he will one day speak to me clearly, that he will run without falling, that he will love with a full and unbroken heart. That's what I really want and to say otherwise is lying to myself and you.(something I have tried hard not to do in this blog).

The point of the post? I haven't got a clue. :) I guess I am learning again that each day can either be a step forward or a step back but no matter what direction we are going God is making those steps with us. He isn't a goal to be reached but rather he's a friend to cling to. What I don't know; he does. What answers I don't have; he has. That for the moment just has to be enough.

So at night, when I go in and place my hand on Joshua's head and beg for his healing... God is standing on the other side of Joshua's bed with his hand over mine. Even if the answer is wait. Even if the answer is no. Yesterday in my post I said I was being met by silence and today I was reminded that silences are needed when someone is listening.