March 11, 2012
They will be missed...
I know that as soon as they get to their grandparents they will play and have fun and I will be quickly forgotten... but I miss them already. Funny how guilt and motherhood go hand in hand... I never knew guilt until I met those boys, and now I feel it every time I say goodbye to them. Do they know that I will come back? Do they know I love them? What if something happens and I am not here? What if? What if? What if?
Ahh... motherhood. For all it's beautiful moments there are times when you long for a break, then you get a break and you long for the kids again. It's a circle that doesn't end. When they are newborn and you aren't sleeping you long for the day they are old enough to sleep through the night, then they get there and you miss the days when they were so tiny and you see a new baby and your heart yearns for the time to go back. Then they reach potty training age and you long for them to just learn to do it on their own, then they do, and one day you go upstairs with them and try to help and you are told 'go' and the door is shut in your face and you realize they grew up on you and you long for the days when they needed you.
Trying to live in the moment is so difficult, so hard, so trying sometimes. Today, as I said goodbye to the boys I actually felt worse than they did. Josh was happily walking along with Grandpa, Kaleb is the stroller with Grandma. No tears, no calling for Mummy... but as I watched them leave I ached.
So, all that to say that I love those little guys and I will miss them.