Photographs by Laurie @ Horizons Photography

December 29, 2011

On loan


one day you are sitting holding your baby, feeding him, changing him, loving him and cuddling him. He's chubby, cherub like, his round cheeks rosy and his smell uniquely baby. Then one day you look up and see a little boy, he's skinny, he's running around the house wreaking havoc on anything in his path, he's chasing the dog with a treat, teasing him and laughing, he's driving trucks over your toes, one day you look up and see he's grown up on  you. That has happened this week with Kaleb, all of a sudden he's taller, he's skinnier, he's less baby and more boy.

I was okay with Josh getting older, seeing him progress has been fun and exciting and such a blessed relief that I almost long to see how he'll grow, who he will become, what God has in mind for him. Kaleb though, he's my baby and as I watch him sprout into boyhood I can't help but lament the loss of our 'baby' years. (That is until I think about the sleepless nights, the cluster feeds and the crying that seems to never end).

Watching these boys grow, and having just left Christmas behind I am looking forward and realizing a few things that I need to start praying about now in order to be prepared. These boys are on loan, one day they will leave me and they will love another woman, they will become men and I will no longer be the one and only woman in their lives. One day I will have to let them go or risk losing them completely. One day I will miss all the insanity that these years will offer me, I will look back at pictures and miss them as they were, I will want to go back in time. Men leave and cleave, that's the way it is. I know it in my head, but I need to start to prepare my heart for that reality today, I need to pray that I will have the grace to let them go when the time comes. I need to pray that on the day they leave, the day they choose another woman, I can accept her as my own so that I don't lose him. I have to pray now that I will be strong enough to allow them to become men, to trust their judgment, hear their advice, let go of control and allow them to spread their wings as God intended them to do. As I watch them grow, I will need to enjoy every hug, every kiss, every 'I love you', every parenting opportunity and one day when they are grown and gone from my home, I will know I have served them well,  my heart will rejoice in the knowledge that I have raised them to be good men, but it will also ache for the days gone by, it's how motherhood is I guess, always a mix of bittersweet, but as most of you know, with bittersweet chocolate you can make chocolate chip cookies!