Light

So, I have been a mother for going on four years now and I love it, I do. However, I would be lying to you if I said there were things I didn't miss, things I envy in childless couples. Weekends spent sleeping in (I used to be really good at that), trips together to warm places (I am cold, really cold right now), evenings spent with friends in the pub or eating yummy treats at cool new restaurants downtown, or even just drinking HOT coffee and reading an actual newspaper without Diego playing in the background. The freedom of not having a datebook, or phone beeping appointments at me but rather just flying by the seat of my pants and doing whatever I feel like doing... surly there is a middle ground?

For the first time in four years I see a light, the tunnel has been long but I see a light. My in-laws have moved to Toronto and last night for the first time in a long time I went out with my husband, and tonight we are going out again! WOW!

Now don't get me wrong, first off, we have no intention of taking advantage of these two wonderful people who gave up a lot to move here, simply to help us. We don't intend to drastically modify our lives, or become the latest couple to join the social scene in Toronto. We are happy to be home with our kids, I take great pleasure in snuggling them into their beds, and with kisses send them off to dream land. However, that there is now an option that for us is affordable is so exciting that I just had to Blog about it. (The price of babysitting these days is incredible and if you ask me prohibitive in most cases)

I should also mention that we have been greatly blessed by friends in the last four years, the amount of times my friends have stepped up and watched the kids so that I could take one or the other to a doctor's appointment, or came to look after them just so I could have a break. No, my life has not been spent at home for four years, and thanks to parents on both sides we have even had holidays in there. No, I have definitely not been home bound for four years, all thanks to friends and family, and I have appreciated every chance, every outing, every moment to breathe in air not filled with diaper fumes or vomit vapors, every minute of those times I have known deep in my heart that I was blessed.

No, the light I am talking about is that I know these two people are invested in my kids, and they are invested in Tim and I, which means that they really want to help (Not that my friends don't, just that I don't feel bad asking for that help). It means that I can see myself getting adult time out of the house a little more often, it means that I can see my breaks spreading beyond my two hour window while they are in the nursery on Sundays, it means that even if only once a month, I will have a date! WOW!

It's surprising really, because I didn't know what I was missing and I was happy with how things were (though certainly tired) but I feel a weight is gone. The constant worry of what I will do if one of the kids needs to go to the doctor, or if I get sick, the feeling of being alone when an emergency happens (as they have). Up until now, every single time I have needed help, God has placed friends in my path at the right moment to help. The day I had to rush Kaleb to the ER I happened to have a friend for coffee (something I don't often do in the morning), she was able to help me by watching Josh until Tim could get to us. The countless Tim's someone has come to help while Josh is in the hospital with various appointments and meetings. No, I do realize that I have been blessed. It's that which I am speaking of, it's the 'what if' worry that is gone now. I don't need to wonder, 'what happens if Josh gets sick while Tim is at work?' or 'What if Kaleb has an attack?' or 'how will I cope if I get sick?'... the worry is gone and for the first time in years I can feel my shoulders begin to loosen.