I realize that I keep coming back to this place, the dark place that is Joshua's illness. I started this blog because I wanted to lose weight, and I wanted to be held accountable by the masses and yet it quickly turned into the place that I turn to when I need to share my thoughts without fear of someone seeing my tears, or fully knowing my pain. It bacame my therapy (much cheaper than seeing a shrink too!). I am going to go back there again, so if you are bored I promise not to be offended if you stop reading at the point. Please do come back another day, it won't always be this dark.
Yesterday as I sat praying in church I heard them pray for Joshua, it was the first time I had heard them pray out loud for him since we nearly lost him and it startled me. My heart actually did a little flip flop in my chest before completely falling out and landing on the floor with a rather loud thud. 'Here we go again' is all that I could think. I couldn't stop the tears from coming, couldn't stop the hurt from invading yet again. When will this end? Will it end?
I mentioned in an earlier post that I had been in the ER with Josh last week, and I had said that I didn't want to talk about it yet. I guess the not talking about it part is so much easier than the acknowledging it part. I can hide so much better from it if no one really knows, I can keep a smile on my face and pretend if I don't see thet pity in your eyes or hear the concern in your voice. Yesterday in church I came face to face with reality, I had no where I could hide and it scared the hell out of me. Josh is not okay, his heart is larger (even to the naked eye), he has had some strange things going on, a racing heart, red face, lethargy and a decrease in energy.
People see him and they smile, 'he looks so great'. One lady, just yesterday said to me (although she meant well I have no doubt) 'and to think at one time we were all so worried about him'. This is what makes it so easy to hide in my denial, this is how I get away with making everyone believe (myself included) that he is a normal healthy kid who is going to one day play for the Toronto Maple Leafs (holding the Stanly Cup over his head). He looks so strong, he looks so vital and alive and healthy.
The problem is, that he isn't. He isn't healthy, it's only by sheer miracle that he is as strong as he his! I mean, most cardiac kids are frail and pale. He is a determined young man, he knows how to fight and he does, and will continue to I am sure. The problem is that I am so tired. He's strong but I don't feel strong and how can he remain strong when his Mummy isn't strong anymore!? I am supposed to be the one he can turn to...
Hmm... I warned you that this would be dark. I am the pastors wife, people look to him and I as examples, we aren’t supposed to falter. We aren’t supposed to fall, or at least that is how I feel about it. I am supposed to be stoic, full of faith, trusting always in God's healing power and love, showing no weaknesses or doubts...
I know in my head that God is my strength, that he is the God who is carrying me when I am not strong enough, and he will be the one who will carry Josh if and when Josh get's tired too. I just wish I could know it in my heart as well. For almost three years this cloud called 'heart defect' has hung over our heads, sometimes just to the side but never far away... I am just waiting for the full sunlight to hit our faces. I long for the warmth of those rays.