Have you ever stopped and asked yourself 'what you need?' from a prayer perspective? I was asked to tell God what I need... but I have struggled with even knowing what I need. Then someone very close to me said 'you have stopped praying, everything you have asked for has come back with a 'no' from your perspective, so you simply stopped praying'. Interesting... because it's true and I hadn't realized it. How does one simply not realize that they have stopped praying?
The more I have researched Joshua's condition, both his stroke and his heart situations, the more I have come to grips with the fact that somethings can't be fixed. You can't fix the heart once it's as far gone as Josh's; you can patch it up (repeatedly) but will it ever be a properly working heart? No. It's a fact that I have sought to share with all my readers, CHD has no cure. Stroke damage, that can be fixed, but the more I read, the more I research, the more I find that all the symptoms from Josh's stroke are also very prevalent in CHD patients in general. New studies are being done that show the affects on the white matter that is being laid down during the time that the heart is also forming... and the 'side affects' are all very similar to what Joshua's experiencing, so can that be fixed? No. So, somewhere along the way, when all this information really began to sink in, I figured (subconsciously) why pray? Why ask God to heal him? It's not possible.
This same person who told me that I have stopped praying said ' we are talking about the God who threw stars into space'... (ie. he can cure a broken heart or injured brain).
I still remember when I was pregnant with Josh, I had no doubts that God would heal him. It was not a matter of if, but when. I waited; and I continued to wait until I just started slowly losing hope and slowly began to realize that the waiting was pointless and I needed to do this alone. It's been exhausting. I am so tired, tired of worrying, tired of looking at every thing as a possible sign of heart failure. Tired of waiting for the next shoe to drop. I am tired of not being able to help him, and it has left me in a spiritual and emotional desert.
What do I need from God? I need my faith back, I need my hope back, I need my strength renewed, I need endurance and patience, wisdom and courage, I need his voice in my life, I need to look around and see his face. How did I not see what was happening to me sooner?
There is nothing lonelier than sitting in church, surrounded by people, singing worship songs about God the healer and thinking that he must not care about you, or your child because God the healer hasn't shown up, you don't know him that way. I have seen the comforter, I have seen the jealous, I have seen the Father, I have seen the protector, I have seen the patient, I have seen the loving, but the only 'healer' I have seen these last few years is the God who is the field Doctor, doing triage on my son but not truly healing him.
Ultimately, do I know that God 'CAN' heal? Yes, I have seen it in other peoples lives, I have seen it and it is beautiful and powerful and amazing. I have no doubt that he CAN. I just wonder sometimes why he won't.
A new journey will start for me today... I have no idea what will happen or where it will lead me. I am going to start to pray again. Not for anything specific, but just to get caught up with a friend/God I have been missing.