|This an old picture of Kaper, but seemed absolutely fitting for this post|
The other day on the walk home from school with Kaleb we passed a church that had a cross above it's door. We have passed by this church many many times and he's never taken notice of it before but a few days ago he said 'mama, see that cross?'... 'that's like the one that Jesus died on right?' and I agreed. Then he said 'Do you know why he had to die on it?' I said yes but I asked him if he knew and he said 'yup, he died because he loves me so much and wanted to save me.'
It was a statement of fact. No hint of a question. He died because he loves me so much and wanted to save me. So simple right? If a five year old knows it, why do I still struggle sometimes to understand the depth of that love for me? The cross has long been a symbol of his sacrifice and love for us, Easter is a time that we reflect on that sacrifice and take comfort in our salvation. The vale was torn, the kingdom of heaven is open to us, we are adopted into His family and his arms await us on our physical death.
The last week has been a bit of a journey for me, I have begun again to ask God some tough questions. What he meant when he told me certain things. What about his healing promises, what about Josh? I have asked him to speak, and speak loudly to me... and the gates have opened and he's been talking to me. Sometimes rebuking me for faulty thinking, sometimes clarifying and sometimes confirming.
I was chatting with Tim this morning over breakfast and sharing with him some of the things God has been saying to me lately. Back when I was pregnant with Josh I was clearly told by God to be 'strong and courageous' and that 'with man it is not possible but with God all things are possible'. I have clung to those two things, first; knowing that it would be hard or he wouldn't have asked me to be strong and brave and second, that he would do the impossible. I shared with Tim how frustrated I was that he hadn't yet fulfilled the second part of his promise to me even though I had been trying to be strong and courageous as he had asked. Tim shared with me a story.
He had been in school working and studying towards his dream of being a missionary doctor and was about to sit for his M-CAT; he was praying about it, asking that God would help him and the night before he was to sit the exam he felt that God said to him 'I will make you a great healer'. Tim obviously interpreted that to mean that he would do well on the test and become a physician, he went to bed that night, slept soundly and did very well on the exam that day; but 20 years later 15 of which he has spent as a Pastor and he says he is still waiting to know what God meant that night. Tim might still be waiting but I can see the ways in which God has made Tim a healer, not the physical healer that Tim had thought he would be, but one who helps people on the road to spiritual healing, the one who guides hearts and minds to a full and complete healing through that death on the cross over 2000 years ago. It begs the question, am I seeing the whole picture? Can I see past the horizon? Is he working the impossible even now and I am missing it because it doesn't look the way I imagined it would?
Peace? Or like Kaleb said, should I just be see it and know. Know that He loves me, and he has rescued me. That part is done. It's finished. I am already loved, and I have already been rescued. I don't need to seek a deeper meaning, I am not going to ever fully understand his plan, and maybe I just need to be okay with that. Rest in the simple knowledge that he loves me.