February 10, 2014
Back when I was pregnant with Josh, after we learned that he had a heart defect; I began to pray. The prayer was simple, 'heal my son'. I believed, I had faith. Yet, the first thing I felt God say to me on the matter was this 'Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." (Joshua 1:9) I have to admit... when God tells you not to be afraid... it means there is a reason to fear. I did fear, I did tremble, I was dismayed, even though I believed he would be with me, though I knew he was calling me to be courageous. I was terrified, not knowing where he was leading me to go, not knowing where he was going to 'be with me' or what he would face with me.
One morning I was sitting in the new nursery, rocking in the chair and feeling Josh kicking me. I was again praying, 'heal my son'. That was the morning he gave me a new message. "And looking at them Jesus said to them, 'with people this is impossible, but with God all things are possible'." (Matthew 19:26) As you can imagine this brought more comfort to me than the command to be courageous. I put all of my hope, all of my faith in that promise. It hasn't been easy, my faith has been tested countless times, but always on the back of that promise has been the command to be strong and courageous. I couldn't believe the promise without following his command to me.
Yesterday at church Tim spoke about healing, and while I don't want to rehash the sermon (I will get it all wrong if I tried - but you can look it up on the Little Trinity website) there were things that stood out, things that I felt God was saying.
For the last month I felt very clearly that God has been saying to me 'it's not about your faith'. I spoke about it a few posts ago titled 'learning to cling'. I heard him clearly yesterday reminding me, cling to Jesus in the wait. My prayer from pregnancy to now for Josh hasn't changed 'heal my son'. It's etched in my heart and flows through me whenever I pray for him; yet still we wait, we may never see the healing that we have sought. When the sermon ended, with me staring at the ceiling trying desperately to compose myself so I wouldn't cry in public, the music began. The song was 'Sovereign' I shared a video a few posts ago that I made prior to Joshua's last surgery, a photo montage of Joshua all set to that song. So, yesterday as we sang it was those images that raced through my mind.
As I sat there I began to once again feel fear, I trembled, I grew dismayed. What was God saying to me? What is he saying to me? He's whispering 'cling to me, I am sovereign' but what does that mean?
We are staring down the nose at Josh's next ECHO appointment and I won't lie to you, I am actually afraid.
This is not a post about raising awareness, it's not a post pointing you in the direction of some great charity for CHD, it's not a post about the wonders of science, or the many downsides of life with CHD. It's a post from the heart of a Mom who loves her sons, and if anything it's an honest look at what living with something like this is like.
I have been commanded to be strong, I have been commanded to be courageous, I have been promised he will go with me wherever I go... but if I am honest, some days it's harder to fulfill that command than others. Some days it would be easier to hide; if only there was somewhere that we could go that this didn't follow us...