November 28, 2012
I have loved in this life more fully than I thought possible, I have two awesome parents, an amazing husband and two great kids, not to mention the blessings of a sister, friends and pretty great in-laws... what right do I have to more? Should I keep pressing God for more and more when he's already blessed me with so much? What right do I have to cry out and beg for more? The problem is that in my heart I have to believe that Josh should get a break sometime... he's just a kid you know? Why should he have to suffer so much, why does everything have to come at such a struggle for him? Why is everything for him more work, more pain, more suffering just to do what other kids do naturally? It's not that I am angry, nor do I feel he got ripped off in anyway, it's just that as his Mum I wanted more for him, I want to help him, I want others to see the beautiful child that I see and I want them to see the amazing brain that lies inside that cute little head... No, I am not angry, just very sad today.
Josh and I went for the much anticipated speech assessment today(this following a bad physio appointment last week) and though I won't get into the science and politics of it all I will say that there is not a lot of hope for him. They can't help him, she doubts anyone really can. This, from a specialists mouth breaks my heart. Yes, he may improve but there will always be a problem with his language, he will always struggle with saying and understanding things. In all probability it will always be a learning disability for him and affect his schooling, he may well always struggle to understand things or be able to articulate his thoughts... blah blah blah. You get the idea.
This, she said, is the long term results of the stroke, and when I asked if it would heal she said simply 'No'. We still have one or two hopes left as far as help and I will be following up with them this week, one of course will be to find a language therapist who specializes in brain injuries, my hope and prayer is that we are lead to the right one and that we can get some more answers. The second, the one that could really do wonders for Josh is a school that is actually in Bloorview Rehab hospital. There he would receive all the various therapies he needs (PT, OT, and it has a whole communications section). This is what you can pray for, that we get into that school regardless of how hard they say it is to get him in. Pray that God kicks the doors open for him.
Life isn't supposed to be easy, I know that. I have seen it in the lives of every single person that I know. Life is hard, it's painful and unfair and for all the good times there are an equal (sometimes more) amount of painful times. I know we have miracles heaped on miracles for Josh and the fact that he is here at all is something I should just say 'thank you' to God for, but the reality is I can't seem to stop myself for asking for more. Am I an ungrateful wretch? I feel it.
The bigger question lies in this... what if this lady is right, what if he is the way he is and is never healed? What if this is Josh's life? What if God doesn't heal him? Will I still be able to lift my hands at the end and praise God. I hope so, I believe so, but I would be lying to you if I didn't say that this is coming at a cost, and the fact that my son is paying only makes it harder to stomach. Will I love Josh less? No... I will likely just love him all that much more. Is he still my hero? Yes, the strongest one I know. Will I ever stop praying and hoping for healing... I am afraid the answer is no. I just can't settle with that and maybe that makes me an ungrateful, greedy soul... I just don't know.
What I do know... without doubt is that when Josh was still in my womb God spoke these words to me...
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go" Joshua 1:9
"Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26