A week ago I heard this song for the first time, I have blogged about, used quotes from it for tweets, changed it to my ring tone and have been singing it all week. It so moved me, so touched that I had to say thank you. I wrote to the manager of the band, shared briefly with him why I was so moved by that song and asked him to pass along my thanks to the band and song writers. I left it at that, not even sure that little message would ever get through the spam detectors, let alone be read by anyone. However, I needed to say thank you, I needed to say how much it means to me, that the words were exactly what was in my heart, what is still in my heart. "Impossible is not a word, just a reason not to try." and "I've seen silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new, that's what faith can do'. I needed to say it to someone, how God used that song to speak to me in the week leading to our big appointment yesterday.
We arrived home after the appointment and for obvious reasons we were all feeling a little down, a little faithless, a little broken. It was then that I received an email from the manager of the band. It would seem I didn't get spammed, and that they actually read my words of thanks. He wrote a beautiful little email, with promises to get my email into the hands of the band. Today I found out that they will be sending our family their two CD's 'Strong Tower' and 'It is well'. They have also committed to pray.
I think maybe I am just so in awe of the countless words of love and support that something like this brings tears to my eyes. Phone calls from people around the world, emails from friends assuring me of their love for Josh and our family, and their promise of continuing to pray. From the beginning of this journey with Josh we have shared as openly as possible with you all about how he is, how we are trying to cope, how blessed we feel, how thankful we are and in the end how we will continue to trust in our Father.
I shared (much to the chagrin of a number of you) about my feelings of being a burden, to the point that I feel the need to explain myself. I value your prayers, I will continue to seek them and I will continue to keep you updated on the ups and downs in the Haughton house. I just sometimes feel that all I speak about it Josh and his health problems, it's forefront in my mind so I Blog about it. I hear myself think, talk and process and I feel like I could easily make this my identity if I let it. I do not want to become 'the mother of a cardiac kid', I prefer to be wife, mother of two beautiful little boys, daughter, sister, friend.
I also struggle with the concept that I have been going on about God's miracle, the amount of people that are praying, and I feel a burden (that I probably shouldn't feel but can't help) that someone out there might feel we didn't get that answer, that God didn't hear us, that he doesn't care. I would like to take this opportunity to be clear, he heard us, if he can hear a whisper then certainly he will hear the thousands of voices being lifted up all around the globe, and he cares about Joshua, he cares about the tests yesterday, he cares about Tim and I and how we journey through this, he cares about every single person who has prayed for this situation. He just has a different plan from the one we wanted, he has something else in mind and he is a God who we can trust to do what is best. We did get an answer, and I won't deny being disappointed with the results of yesterdays tests. I was so sure this time they would look and see the leak fixed, his heart back to regular size... some call it optimism, I call it faith. Whatever you call it, I believed, and I expected and I was let down. My fear was that you too would feel let down and I felt that burden.
As we sat in the waiting room I saw the doctor who diagnosed Joshua (via fetal ECHO) with this heart defect walk by, he was the same doctor who said 'there will be no miracles here' and as I started to imagine walking up to him and telling him all about the miracle that God just preformed I was also reminded of all the miracles we have received to this point and I was humbled, What right do I have to be disappointed? Already he had done more than I could have hoped for. Every night I can say goodnight to Joshua, every morning I can see his face light up when he sees me, and every single minute that I can share with him, teaching him, holding him, loving him, smelling his wonderful scent, watching his beautiful blue eyes light up with new discovery, seeing his smile shine so bright, hearing his laughter... every single second is because God cared enough to hear our prayers and grant us miracle after miracle.
I think my thoughts and feelings today are muddled and maybe this is a post that goes all over the place, but I hope that you could follow it a little bit. I so dearly appreciate you all; I appreciate your prayers and I won't stop asking for them, Josh needs them.