a million moments

It's raining out, the kids are playing quietly upstairs and Tim's in his office working, so I am enjoying a nice hot cup of coffee and taking some time to think about things.

On Wednesday last week I took my baby to school for his first day of JK. He went in really well, and with relief I walked away from the school. I had really thought he would give me a hard time over it but other than a little shyness he seemed to take it all in just fine. I on the other hand, got about 5 houses down the street when it hit me fully. My three year old, is in full day JK! How did that happen? When do they go from being tiny little creatures who need you for everything, into little people with opinions, and voices, kids who can dress themselves and feed themselves and not need you every second of the every day? Little people who can be left in a building in the downtown core, without their Mummy but rather strangers, and not cry and scream and pitch a fit?

Now, for those of you who think I am a total mess over this, let me assure you... I am REALLY loving the time to myself. The house is cleaner this week, I've had a lot of great work outs, and I am finally getting some actual work done. This is all good, and I don't take one second of the time for granted (not yet at least). However, around 2:00 every day I start checking the clock, wondering if it's time yet for me to go pick him up; missing the tug on my leg, the sound of his voice telling me some inane thing that he feels the need to share with me or the feel of his arms when he is needing a snuggle.

Life is suck a paradigm of desires, you always want something different from what you have, never satisfied with the here and now. You are pregnant and you can't wait to hold you child, you have the baby and you can't wait until they are sleeping through the night, they are sleeping through then night but can't feed themselves, they can feed themselves but they drive you nuts because they are always around you feet and you can't get anything done... and then BAM! Before you know what's happened... they are in school and you are alone during the day wishing you were awake in the night, holding them, feeding them and singing them a lullaby again. You look at their dirty clothes and skin when they come home from a day of school and you remember how it was only yesterday that you had a lavender scented infant in your arms, his dark eye lashes resting quietly on his cheeks, his thumb planted firmly in his mouth and his ear pressed up safely next to your heart. Everyone always says 'enjoy it, it goes so fast' and you hear it, you want to do take their advice and you do your best to be there in the moment, but life moves quickly sometimes and you find it hard to stand still, savor this moment, this hug, this kiss, this laughter, this new step into manhood.

I don't know how my new born baby boys turned into school boys... it's happened overnight and it happened in a million tiny moments, a million touches, a million kisses and that is something I will cherish for all my days. I can't stop the hands of time from changing, I can't stop my babies from growing up, nor can I clip their wings, as much as I hate the thought of them needing me less I know that the less they need me the better I am doing at my job. Today, is a day for me to collect a few hundred more tiny moments, kisses, touches so that tomorrow, when they are grown I can remember all of them.