June 26, 2013
One by one
Sometimes life becomes too much. You know? This summer is turning into one of those summers where I just want to hide and pretend I am actually not human at all but rather an ostrich, head buried deep in the sand. When I think of the word bliss what comes to mind is anything but here, anything but what lies ahead, anything but where we are at. That sounds... dark. I realize that. I have been in a funk this week, and I can't shake the feeling of heaviness that is resting on me this week. For a number of reasons it's been a tough week and as I struggle to see the light at the end of the tunnel all I see is more dark, more aching, more stress...
Kaper watched a Rugrats movie during quiet time yesterday and the one little character in the movie kept yelling 'we're doomed, doomed, doomed I tell you' and later, when Kaper got mad at me for putting him in a time out he yelled at me 'you doomed Mummy!! Doomed!' and I couldn't help but concur with him. That's exactly how I am feeling this week. Like I am doomed. Like this summer is doomed. One stress gets heaped on another and if one more thing gets added to the weight on my shoulders I am afraid I might crumple.
Last night we went to see the play Breathe with Mike Janzen and Jason Hildebrand and as I watched I could in an odd way relate... I am seeking the I love you. I am waiting to hear my Father whisper "I love you" but all I can hear are the voices in my head... the lies of defeat, the whispers of despair, the shouts of distraction. I am longing to hear God tell them to be quiet, to ask me to come sit with him and hear him ask me 'how are you?, how are you really?' because I would have some stuff to tell him. I have some things I wouldn't mind saying to him.
Let me be clear, for the sake of clarity and so I don't get a hundred emails ;)... I am going to be okay, I know that just like I know that the sun will rise in the morning. This is a rough patch, it's a time in life when challenges are out weighing the victories and we have seen these times before and come out on the other side. I am not worried about me in the long run. I just can't honestly say that I always 'feel' okay. There are times, like this week, when I do not feel okay. When I have to text a friend and say a bad word just because it makes me feel mildly better, or when I have to sit and just cry a little because if I don't let the tears out they will drown me, when I can't think clearly because the noise of life is too loud to hear God's whisper. There are times, when panic settles in my throat and I am paralyzed by the strength of it.
The days of summer are however even now getting shorter and one by one they will pass, one by one we will step towards the future with our brave face on and one by one we will find once again the victory that awaits us.
Just got to take that first step...