Photographs by Laurie @ Horizons Photography

February 14, 2013

if only for a moment

I am a having a hard time today, thinking about Valentines day and hearts and flowers and all that stuff, putting together my research surrounding CHD awareness... I had a plan for today, a plan for a special post about raising awareness of CHD. Today took a turn though and I can't seem to find the brain power to switch gears back to the task at hand.

Most of you know that last year Josh attended a school for kids with special needs, well, this year Kaleb also attends the school in the integrated class (a class with both special needs and high functioning kids). Today we learned that a little boy in Kaleb's larger class passed away in his sleep on Tuesday night, his parents made the horrific discovery yesterday morning. All my thoughts on CHD awareness blew out the window. The cynical part of me thinks "who cares anyway?". The reality is that hearing this just brought to mind my own worst fears and nightmares.

Last night our small group finished the book revelations... it's been a long study but the fact that we ended last night seems fitting. Today as I heard this news all I could think about was what heaven will look like for these wee little people who have been taken too early. No more pain, no more suffering, no more sadness, no more scars. How many times have I sat thinking about what that will look like? How many times have I wondered what heaven will be like? Too many I am afraid, to count.

Death is as I have mentioned 'a given' in this life. We were born and then we started to die. That's just the way it is. However it doesn't ease the pain for those left behind, it doesn't ease the fear for those saying goodbye. As we finished revelation last night we were asked to think about how this reality (that heaven awaits us) will affect our daily lives. As I processed this news today I realized that it will make me love, it will help me forgive, it will help me to be compassionate, less focused on me and more on those around me. Death is inevitable, but we must still live. I will one day die. My children will one day die. My husband will one day die, everyone I know and love will all die. What we have now, is today. This moment is the only sure thing in life. It doesn't matter if you have CHD, or if you slip peacefully away in your sleep or die in a terrible tragic accident. That is all in the future. Right now, this moment you have life, and we all too often forget that. The only guarantee we have is what we have right now. Right now I have a son who just moments ago said 'Gross' when I kissed his cheek, and then said 'kiss my lips mummy, that's better'. Will CHD kill my son? Probably, but what I sometimes forget is that he's not gone yet. Worrying, fearing about when that might happen is hopeless. I need to embrace him NOW.

I heard the other day a saying 'Faith and Fear have one thing in common. They both ask you to believe in something you cannot see.'

Today, on this day of celebrating the people you love, remember to enjoy the NOW with them. Hug them a little tighter, tell them with words and actions that they matter because you just don't know how long you have with them.

I won't be posting a picture today, my heart is heavy and sad and I can't think of an appropriate photo to go with those feelings. Instead I leave you only with a post and a prayer... that those of you who are suffering loss today, for those of you who ache, for those of you who fear... that you will find peace today, if only for a moment.