September 23, 2010
Through all those months, I would think about the future and look forward to the day that he would look at me with love, call me Mummy and show me affection on his own. There were moments when it was all I had to hold onto and there were moments that I thought it would never happen.
This week Josh finally is starting to say Mummy for the first time, just this morning he yelled Mummy a bunch of times and then ran up to me, hugging my legs nice and tight. I think back to the moments of terror, worrying and fear that he might not come out of all of this... and I am so thankful, and I find myself sitting here in a place of awe and wonder. That no matter what this child, or Kaleb does, no matter how many temper tantrums, no matter how many time outs, or just plain worrying things that they put me through. It takes only one small moment, one gesture, one word and the rest evaporates and becomes a mist in my memory. It doesn't matter, not now and not in 20 years when I am looking back on these times with a fondness and longing. I won't be thinking about the time he threw the whole box of toys on the ground or threw Buzz light year at his brothers head, I will be thinking about the first time he said 'ummy' or the first time he held my hand in a movie because he was worried about the characters. I will look back and see their smiling faces. I will look back and think of their antics with fondness, maybe even a laugh as I share the times that they tortured the dog, or the time Josh tried to talk Kaleb into the dog kennel, or even the time Josh ran away and the neighbour had to return him. When it's all said and done, I will look back and know love.