A long time ago I went to Europe to live... I was broke, and had no credit cards. I just went on faith, as a missionary. God saw to it that I had enough money to get me through month to month with what I needed but there was little else. It was a great time of learning what faith meant, but it came at a cost.
I had a friend, a friend that was like a sister to me in some pretty tough times. Her parents were like my parents, they welcomed me, gave me a place to stay when I needed it and basically treated me with love, and compassion, I loved all of them deeply. This friend and I went through a lot together, we struggled with life and love, hope and let downs and went through the coming of age phase of our lives that leads us from our parents home into our own, and eventually into adulthood.
My time in Europe cost me that friendship. During that time my friends Mother was diagnosed with cancer, she died way to young, leaving behind a lot of people who loved her, including me. I wrote, I sent a card but I just couldn't afford to get home. She never forgave me for that. Later, I wrote and told her I was getting married, it was met with a hurt reply about me not being there for her. I was devasted, I would have loved to be there for her, I would have loved to have a chance to hold her and cry with her, to be there for her as she passed through that horrible season of grief, but I didn't, I couldn't, I had let her down without even meaning to.
I tried again when I did move home, I wanted her to know that I cared, I wanted to try to bridge that terrible gap in our friendship that lay open and bleeding but my calls were left unreturned and eventually we lost all contact. I didn't stop hoping that one day we would meet again and mend the old hurts. Every time God brought her name to my heart I prayed for her, I never stopped loving her or caring about our friendship.
This week I learned that she still hurts because she believes I didn't care enough to be around when nothing could be farther from the truth. I learned that she wants nothing to do with our old frienship and that she would prefer to leave things in the past. That hurts. I won't lie, at first it made me angry, I felt misunderstood and maybe all this is, is a feable attempt to make my voice heard, to justify my side of the things that ended that friendship, but it's also my last ditch effort to mend old broken down bridges. To let that friend know that I love her, that I have always loved her, and that I will never stop praying for her, and praying that someday we will meet again and be able to repair things.
So, here I am chasing rainbows...