June 22, 2010
Loving them in the here and now...
When Josh walks by himself up the stairs without using a railing or falling and I jump up in excitement screaming and yelling about how proud I am of the "big boy", but my heart secretly longs for the quiet nights of rocking him to sleep.
How is it that as a Mom and I can want contradicting things for my children. I want them to grow into strong, Godly men but I want them to stay safe in my arms forever. When the time comes will I be ready for them to leave? I realize I have loads of time left for that, but look how fast time is flying! My boys will soon be throwing a football, skating down the ice with a stick chasing a puck, dating... (cringing as I write that one). When does my heart become ready to let go and let them grow? Or, maybe a better question is, when will I become strong enough, brave enough to just be happy for them, without the twinge of sadness that they are not my babies anymore?
I want Josh to stop throwing his food, but that comes at the cost of him being mature enough and old enough to know better, which means that I will miss after nap cuddles and bed time snuggles. I want Kaleb to crawl and walk but that means that he will no longer be content to be in my arms. How do I find contentment with the here and now and just rest in the joy that they are right now, as I write this, my baby boys who need all my love, all my support and all my wisdom? When will I just enjoy now, without fearing the changes that are inevitable and yet beautiful in their own way?