Part twelve: The end of the beginning

I pull off the road just a mile from the where the castle sits perched on the hill, it seems to glow in the late afternoon sun, the snow sparkles as the light moves over the ground and I can’t catch my breath it’s so beautiful. My hands are still on the wheel as I stare out the window at the view, taking it all in, then I close my eyes and rest my forehead on the wheel. “I don’t get it God, what were you saying to me all week? I didn’t die, I am alive and well and the castle sits before me waiting for me to get home.” I look back into the rearview mirror at the Pass behind me feeling like I had gone into the depths and come out whole but still confused by it all. I felt more alive than ever before, more full of life and joy and peace and now there was something new, a deep knowledge of life and forgiveness that was new to me. A car passed me and brought me from my thoughts, I turned my turning signal on and drove down the final hill towards the castle driveway and there I stopped again not ready to see anyone yet, still not understanding what was happening to me, what had happened. I thought back over the last week and tried to see if I had had any doubts in my mind that I hadn’t recognized but there was none. I thought of the letters on my bed, written with such assurance that I would never see these people again. I think of the feelings I’d had, of all the ways in which I felt God was telling me that today was the day and yet I am sitting here in the castle driveway alive, beautifully alive and unharmed. None of it made sense. Then I think back to his face when he told me that he loved me, the feeling of freedom, of breaking through something and I again think of that egg and chicken, and I understand. I finally understand and as the realization hits me I start laughing and crying and laughing some more. I had died, it had happened just the way that God had said it would. On December 8^th I drove through the mountain Pass one person, at the airport I died and I was reborn and I drove home new, having been born again just like that chicken I had envisioned. I am still laughing when I once again start the car and maneuver it through the castle gates to the courtyard. I see my friend from the night before standing nearby and he smiles at me with a grin that says ‘ told  you so’ and I think of the parting line I had left on his letter and smile back at him. I turn the car off and get out, leaving the bag where the ex had left it and I move to him. He hugs me and says sarcastically that he’s glad I made it home and I laugh too. The truth is, I am glad too because I have so much to share, so much to say and it would have been wasted if I had been found at the bottom of a cliff in the snow. We move to the back of the car and I grab the bag while I tell him all about the trip, and how I was not the Laurie that left, but rather a new, reborn version of her. He looks down at me and smiles, seeing for the first time that I was actually having a very real spiritual experience, that I hadn’t been on drugs last night when I went to him and told him what I was thinking would happen today, his eyes believed me, I could see that and he smiled at me as he threw his arm around me and said ‘sorry I didn’t take you more seriously last night, that was a pretty big deal’ and then we laughed when I told him what I had added to his letter, he pretended to look wounded and I elbowed him in the gut and reiterated that he was an asshole but I loved him.

That night there was a concert at the castle, music filled the cold night air and again it began to snow, I sat listening to the music and I saw the girl I was dancing in the rain all those summers before but this time I didn’t miss her, she had become someone so much more real to me, and though I wasn’t as carefree as I had been back then I was more sure, more confident, more resilient, and while I had always been loved, now I know I am loved and that makes all the difference.

That night as I read the Bible before sleep I read Genesis 17:21 “But I will establish my covenant with Isaac whom Sarah will bear to you at this set time next year” I could almost hear God say this to me as well, I have promised you Isaac, and this time next year I will keep my promise. I went to bed that night, my first night as the new Laurie, the night of December 8^th 2005.

One year later, on December 8^th 2006 God, true to all his promises, kept his word and that night, after decorating a Christmas tree Tim proposed to me. We were not in the most romantic city, sitting on the Eiffel Tower, he wasn’t looking green and ill, I wasn’t feeling doubt or apathetic to the situation. We sat in his living room in Toronto, he sang me a song he had written and asked me to marry him and I didn’t hesitate with my answer,  I didn’t waver through out the engagement, there were no doubts as I dressed in my bridal gown and walked down that long isle towards my best friend. He was the chosen one that God had promised me, the Isaac, and on April 28^th 2007 we joined our lives together and we made a home. The story continues, as life does of course, but to know more you have to read the book because this was just the beginning, the rest of the incredible story unfolds in the pages of Through the Lens of Motherhood (The Book).

 

 

 

 

Tim at the Oakville pier on our third date

April 28th, 2007