February 26, 2020

New Song




Every morning, starting in mid January every single year the boys and I start to have the same conversations. When is winter over? When will it start to get warmer? Can I wear my spring coat? Why is it always dark? Can I wear my running shoes today? Do you think it will be warmer tomorow? Will the sun be shining today, tomorrow, next week? Is it going to rain again today? How come it's always so long until spring? Why? When? How long?

It started a week later than normal this year because we had a nicer winter but this morning it was particularly bad because the last few days the boys allowed themeselves to believe that spring had sprung and this morning there were two very grumpy boys trudging through the cold (cold being relative compared to yesterday) and damp weather this monrning in boots. Kaleb's "whole day was ruined because he couldn't wear the outfit that went with his spring coat and runners) and Joshua was just annoyed that it wasn't either snowing or sunny but just sort of in between yuckiness.

I always get my walk in first thing in the morning, so part of it is spent with the boys as they start their day, after leaving them at school I go on and finish the walk and as I walked yesterday I couldn't help but empathize with them. All the way to school I listened to the groaning and I felt their pain. I hate winter, in particular I hate winter that is not snow but not warm, I hate the wet, dismal, slushy cold and I hate the dark. This winter has been so lovely that it seems awful to compain about a few days of yuckiness but it's leading me somewhere so stick with me.

I left the boys, grabbed a coffee and started my walk. As I walked I thought about them and the growing feeling of unrest that comes at this time of year, the time of year when you can taste spring, smell it on the breeze, feel the suns rays warming, and  the evenings get lighter, longer. It's not here yet, but it's coming.

Life is like that, I feel like I am in that space right now, the almost spring place, I can see it, the lighter days, the warming sun, the dry bright days but then I am reminded that winter isn't quite over, there are threats of snow, there is the anxiety that tomorrow it will be cold again. The nights are long enough and dark enough still to remind me that we are not fully into spring.  I do not yet fully trust the warming days, I still hesitate when hope springs up in the form of sunshine because I fear that winter will strike back in a final free for all at the end of the season, those april blizzards that jump out at you and make you want to weep. The seasons, all four of them have a purpose, a reason, a beauty to them but they also have an end and in the midst of the winter season I have been in for the last few years I have forgotten that; I have forgotten that I have not woken up in the land of eternal winter.  Spring is coming. There is hope, longer days, sunnier moments, sunny,  vitamin D filled moments await me, the beach and the hot sand will be at my feet and rest will come. It's just about holding on.

The first time I ever really heard or paid any attention to Psalm 40 was when I heard the song by U2:



I waited patiently for the Lord

He inclined and heard my cry
He brought me up out of the pit
Out of the mire and clay
I will sing, sing a new song

I will sing, sing a new song
How long to sing this song

How long to sing this song
How long, how long, how long
How long, to sing this song
He set my feet upon a rock

And made my footsteps firm
Many will see
Many will see and fear
I will sing, sing a new song
I will sing,

U2 
Mother nature is not in charge here, God has this within the palm of his hand, he has a reason to walk me through this season, he has a purpose to this new spring season that is coming. It brings new life, new hope and it brings joy but;  I have to wait, we are not quite there yet. As I walked I realized I have a choice in how I anticipate this new season. I can choose to do what my guys do, what I do, and grumble about the fact that it isn't spring yet, that it's colder than I want, that it's raining or wet snow, or cloudy ], or dark or .... you get the idea, the list could go on and on...  or I could choose a different reaction to mornings that aren't what I had hoped for, where I wish that the sun was shining, I could sigh and accept it for what it is. A wonderful season of hope, hope for new life lying just below the surface of the thawing earth, life flowing on the warmer breeze, life filtering through the warming rays of the sun. I could stop and allow myself to feel not sorrow or dissapointment but rather anticipation. 

It always seems to come back to this truth, life will happen, how will we respond is the question we all need to answer at some point. We always have a choice. Rise or Fall, cry and wail or smile and hope. 

So, this is me trying to sing a new song, this is me trying to stop asking 'how long O Lord?' and just live in this moment, trusting that it willl happen, believing in the evidence and breathing in the fragrant air. Spring is indeed going to come. Just beneath the snow and dirt there are there are buds that need a little more time before they break through the soil and bloom. 

L

February 21, 2020

bumps



Yesterday I woke up feeling like I had taken a horrible fall back into the darkness, after talking just the day before about the rays of beautiful light and the hope and the healing I woke up desperately sad and then very angry to be back in the fog and dark. I hate the bumps in the road that knock us off course. I walked the boys to school and after dropping them I put my earphones in and hit play on the music hoping to create a bubble for just God and I but it didn't help. I felt heaviness and temptations to go backward, I wanted so badly to just go to sleep and wait for the day to end. Instead I just sat still in my chair by the window, music on, and I prayed; all day. No easy answers sprang up but I kept praying a simple 'please help me'. The kids came home and were playing so I continued to sit, and finally, after hours of silence, I heard his voice whisper through scripture.

"in him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace.." Ephesians 1:7-8

I just need to accept the freedom was the overwhelming message I received...

  'Just accept the freedom I have already won for you with my blood. Accept that you are loved, accept that I have forgiven you, accept that you stand before me spotless, accept it, accept me.' 

It seems so stinking simple right?? There is so much breathing room in that simple reality, so much freedom. All of a sudden the clouds lifted and I felt th weightless feeling of freedom fill my spirit.

Every day is new, everyday I am given a choice. Stay up and fight, or go back to bed. There are days when it is easier than others, days when I don't need to use all my strength  just to keep going. There are days when, like yesterday, it would be so much simpler to allow the darkness to draw me back to my bed and the comfort of sleep; those days are fewer though and I am getting stronger at fighting. I have God standing beside me and fighting with me and it makes all the difference. Somehow I had forgotten to lean on him, maybe I was afraid to lean back because I thought he wasn't there anymore, or maybe I just felt that I had done enough leaning and he was needed elsewhere... I am not really sure. This I do know, this story, as with all good stories, will have ups and downs.

God is always going to be pulling me, stretching me, teaching me, asking more of me and while it sometimes hurts, or stings or aches or just downright sucks, it also means he still loves me enough to want us to be closer, to have an even deeper relationship than we had before. He is still pursuing my heart and that, that is pretty awesome.

February 19, 2020

It's not in the fudge!

In the early fall, during one of the dark patches that seemed to have no end in sight,I got a random text from Tim with a picture of fudge, a picture that made it very clear that he had bought me some of my favorite fudge as a treat. The caption to the picture was "just wanted to bring some joy into your life"...

I smiled. I like fudge. It was sweet (the fudge and the gesture)... but something about it, more specifically the caption, really bothered me and niggled at me for days. The fog I was slogging through was thick and I had trouble nailing down exactly why it bothered me but then one Sunday I was listening to Tim preach and God used that time to give me the reason that it bothered me. 

Fudge is not where joy comes from. Joy is what I was missing, it was why my days were so dark, so empty, so lonely, and why I found it hard to find something to be excited about. The days were just stretched out in front of me, endlessly the same. Get up, get kids to school, keep busy until you go back to bed, rinse and repeat. I had woken up in the land of monotony and somehow I had stopped expecting joy, looking for it, forget about actually experiencing it. 

When I turned off the sad, the painful, the angry feelings I apparently also turned off the hopeful, the excited, the joy. I was an empty shell just doing what was necessary to survive the day.  

I had to think, when did I shut off the feelings? When was the last time I felt anything? When had I known joy? The answer was just a whisper in the very back of my mind but it stayed with me for weeks, 'you stopped spending time in my presence'. I remembered the first time I ever really experienced joy, in it's truest form. I was in a place in life where I was fully in God's presence, all day, every day. I hadn't known that you could feel that deep down beautiful, loving, peaceful, hope and ultimately joy. It wasn't 'happy'; it was so much more. It was an assurance, a knowledge of love in it's purest form, it was so deep and true that it can't be described fully. I had lost that and it left me without an anchor, drifting, slowly at first but then one day I woke up and I was in this fog, alone, afraid and sure that I would never find my way out. 

So, I am in this boat, drifting in unfamiliar territory, scared, alone and desperately sad and it hit me. It wasn't on me to try to find a way out, it was on me to start to spend time in my wonderful God's presence, to seek him, to allow him to guide me out. I started small, earphones in my ears, worship songs on, short prayers filled with desperate pleas. One day I started to notice that the dark was changing, it looked more like that dark purple with lilac hues that come with the dawn, and then slowly, the oranges and reds and yellows that come with a sunrise. Light, hope, beauty were on the horizon and the emptiness began to have feelings attached. The emotions come at random times now, tears over a commercial, anger that spikes red hot and entices me to speak up, fear, not the anxious fear that prevents action but the fear that seeks help from the only one who can do anything for me. Tears come when I least expect them, they make me angry but they bring me joy too because they mean that I am healing, they mean that I am thawing out. 

When God speaks they are words of life. How I wish I had started to listen sooner and yet I am thankful too for the experience, the dark taught me how to forgive, how to understand, how to feel empathy. I hadn't fully understood before. I hadn't ever thought I would dread tomorrow, I never thought I would ever feel hopeless, it was foreign to me then and so familiar now and as hard as it has been, as hard as it still sometimes is, I am somehow finding that I am thankful for the knowledge. 

I still love fudge... especially chocolate, and if Kaleb isn't anywhere near me I love the peanut butter cup kind, just thinking about it makes me salivate but joy, it can't be found in fudge. It can bring a smile, temporary satisfaction to the tastebuds, and comfort from someone who loves me so much that he wants to see me smile again but it can't bring me joy. God used Tims wording that day to start a dialogue with me that has me hanging onto a new rope, I'm no longer drifting without paddles, God is now back in his rightful spot as captain. 

Am I 'healed'... not yet, there are still dark moments and fears but here's the thing. In this world Im not sure that we will ever find perfect healing, but we are given little glimpses into what perfect healing looks like sometimes and it serves as the rope that guides us home. 


"I will bless the Lord who has counseled me; Indeed, my mind instructs me in the night. I have set the Lord continually before me; because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my glory rejoices; my flesh also will dwell securely. For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol; nor will you allow your Holy One to undergo decay. You will make known to me the path of life; in your presence is fullness of joy; in your hand there are pleasures forever."

Psalm 16:7-11







February 18, 2020

rays of light

There has been a lot of very dark moments in the last two years of battling mental health issues related to PTSD. I have been unavailable in so many ways and I wont lie, there were days when I wondered if I would find my way back to the light but slowly I am seeing the beauty of rays of light in the fog. You know those rays, the bright beams of light that come down through the clouds and look almost like God's fingers? That is the only way to describe what this last 6 months has been like. His fingers, reaching down through the clouds and touching me with his beauiful light and warmth.

In October God started talking to me about joy, more specifically about my lack of joy. I started to try and  figure out when I last had it and I had to admit that I couldn't remember, but I remembered that when I felt it most was when I was in his presence and so I began to seek time with him, in his presence, and there He was, the scales fell from my eyes and he was standing in front of me smiling.

The process was horrible, it was hard and painful and dark but I feel like I have climbed a moutain, and that I climbed it for a reason; I stand here thanking God for allowing me to see what it feels like to suffer anxiety and depression so that I can fully understand the suffering of others who struggle with it.  I am not 'There' yet; I know that I will never again be the person I was before and I have come to understand that that is a good thing.

As most readers of this blog (long suffering and yet faithfully loyal people that you are) know that I have been spending a lot of time writing a book and going through the publishing process, the process has been... lets say 'Inspired' since I really had not a lot to do with it. Had it been my choice it would have remained in a file on the external harddrive of my computer. God had other plans though and even when I fought him every step of the way he somehow landed me here, in February 2020 with a light in front of me and a published book coming in just weeks... God has been so faithful and so gracious.  Of course I plan to share each wonderful step with you and as always I thank you for your patience and love.

My book, also called Through the Lens of Motherhood is due to be released this April and when it hits stores I do hope you will buy a copy to hear the full story of the hope and joy of being forever changed by experiences beyond our control. I will keep you posted on how to get your copy directly from me or give links on where to buy online.