Part seven: look up

 

 

The countryside is dark, I mean, really dark and it’s quiet accept for the occasional sound of a cowbell in the distance letting you know that the cows were close or moving further away as it sounds tonight. It’s late, I stayed too long in the cellar enjoying the company and forgetting everything else for a while but now it is the wee hours of morning and my body is tired. I’m walking a different way home tonight, through the neighbors farm because it’s less steep and though it adds a lot of distance to my walk it is easier in the dark but that doesn’t make it any less dark tonight. I can’t see my hand in front of me, forget trying to see my feet or any possibly pitfalls below me. It’s a long and slow walk. I keep my eyes trained on my feet, sometimes catching the shadow of the moon on the side of a rock and manage to keep from tripping. It’s weird how earlier the moonlight was so bright and now, when I need it most it’s all but gone, hiding as if to laugh at me when I stumble into a cow pie or land in the mud. I think about that stupid mobile phone sitting in my desk drawer and wish for it’s light and then grumble at myself when I remember why it was in the drawer to begin with. I get to what should be the middle of the farmers field, the valley is below me and the castle about a hundred yards behind me and I stop to try to see which direction I’m heading, making sure it’s not into the cows and at least sort of heading towards the narrow cart path that lies about two hundred yards ahead and below me but as I gaze out into the darkness I also happen to look up and then I’m stuck in my spot unable to move. The night sky is pitch black, darker because the moon is lower tonight and hiding just a little behind a mountain top, but as I gaze up I see a million stars and I can’t breathe with the beauty of it. How many years have you been around I wonder when I see one winking at me, are you dying or have you died long ago and I am only now standing witness to it. I don’t know how long I have been standing in the spot but I hear the cow bell again and it’s closer than before so I shake myself from my thoughts and once again turn in the general direction of home. The path doesn’t seem as dark now, it’s crazy but I’m so busy looking up at the stars at first that I don’t notice that I am trusting my feet, I’m trusting the knowledge that I have been here before and know my way, I’m just walking and looking up, and I realize that I have already cross the field and have come to the cart path that will lead me safely down the mountain towards home. My eyes have become adjusted to the light, my feet more confident in their footing I find myself able to think about something other than where I am and where I am going, I can allow myself time to listen to the sounds of the night. It is while I am listening, about half way down the mountain that a strange thought smacks me upside the head. When I was busy looking down, trying to figure my way out and avoid falling I was struggling, grumbling about the lack of the moonlight or that damn phone but when I stopped, when I focused on looking up, trusting my feet, trusting the path that I am on I found my way easily even though it is still dark, even though I can’t see my feet. Life I think to myself, life is just like that sometimes, like now. I have no idea what next week or next month will hold, I have no idea what plans God has for me, I can’t see my footing there any more than I can see it here but if I stop struggling, stop trying to figure out one my own and allow myself to look up, follow God, trusting the path he has me on then it will get easier too. I smile as I reach the final turn in the zigzag path and see the small park where I turn into town, at the opening to the park is a street light and there is comfort in it’s light.  I walk under the light and see the next one seven or eight feet away and so it goes for the rest of the walk into town, through the small village towards home.  When I crawl into bed, thinking about the night I just had I am left in awe that I feel so free, so much more sure of where I am going even as I have no idea where that might lead. I have started on the path, and right now it’s dark but I promise myself that I will keep looking up and deep in my heart I know that it will lead to a street light, and then more street lights and then one day, one day it will lead me home. I close my eyes and allow sleep to claim me.

 

To be continued...