Part Five: dancing moonlight

The day after I took the ring off my finger I remember walking into my bosses office feeling like I was going to throw up, how do I begin I kept thinking to myself. I sat in his chair and he smiled at me, knowing something was wrong and not pushing me to start until I was ready,  he was always so patient. When I finally sputtered out that I wasn’t getting married, that the whole ‘Im leaving in October thing isn’t happening’ he listened with no words and then he nodded and said ‘ it sounds like what you need is some time to think. This is your home Laurie, we won’t kick you out. Take whatever time you need to stop and pray and think and then we can talk again”.  I think about that statement a lot these days, it was the same man who told me four years before when I had been looking to leave Canada again ‘you always have a home here, just say the word’ and here he was still saying the same thing. This man, who was always so gracious, so humble and loving was giving me breathing room for the third time in my life. The first, when I was nineteen and not knowing what I wanted in the world, the second when I needed a fresh start somewhere other than Canada and now again, when I felt most alone and unsure he was offering me safe haven. “Sounds like you need time to think” echoes in the darkness around me and I turn back towards the steps of the tower that would lead me back to the chapel.  They are old wooden steps, and the middle of each step is deeply grooved with hundreds of years of use. I have sat on them countless times, running my hands over the smooth wood and wondered about who came before me, and who would come after me. Tonight though, I don’t notice the grooves,  where I was reluctant before I now feel a fresh urgency to seek the chapel and pray about the phone call. I moved quietly, not wanting to be seen, not wanting company, just wanting time alone with God. The door of the chapel is always a little bit open, as if inviting people to come and spend time within it’s walls, it’s unheated but you don’t ever feel cold in there. The ceiling is tall, the windows small, allowing for only a small slit of moonlight. I slide into the pew behind the door on the off chance someone peaks in; I just desperately want to be alone in this moment.  I stare up at the moonlight on the wall, it’s almost dancing up there, I start to pray but falter, what is it I can possibly say to the maker of the Universe that would make any sense. There are so many unknowns right now and all I really want are answers. I try again, and then bow my head in frustration. “I wish I had the words Lord.” I muttered to myself, to the walls and ultimately to God himself. Then, deep inside me an old hymn started to come out from the shadows, reminding me of the beautiful love and mercy and faithfulness of this God who loves me so much, of this God who I have so recently come to love as my own.

 

 

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;

There is no shadow of turning with Thee;

Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;

As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.

Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!

Morning by morning new mercies I see.

All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;

Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,

Sun, moon, and stars in their courses above;

Join with all nature in manifold witness

To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,

Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;

Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,

Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

 

Sitting in the darkness of the chapel that night, watching the dust dance in the moonlight, singing quietly the words to that old hymn I had a renewing in my spirit. I was loved but more than that I had finally found the love that I had always been searching for and I was flooded with emotions, I wanted to know everything I could about this God who could love me so much, who would pursue me and romance me and fight for me, the God who believed me to be beautiful, the God who made me and signed me with his signature as if I was his greatest masterpiece. At once the unknowns that plagued me, the loneliness that I feared would define me were gone and I was full of joy. I sit here, still watching the moonlight dancing, a smile on my lips knowing for the first time that joy isn’t ‘happy’, it is so much deeper. I gave myself completely to his will, right there on the cool stone seat in the chapel. I was his, whatever plan he had for me would be revealed when the timing was right and until then this was my home, and I was safe here. I had time, time to breathe and time to really dive in deep to finding out who this magnificent God is. For now, the only thing on the agenda was a phone call and for the first time I didn’t dread it, there was a new sense of peace in all that I was doing, all the decisions I had made. Standing in the path that God had placed me on, waiting on him for my next steps was the very first time in my life that I wasn’t afraid, it was the very first time I have felt true peace and yes, joy.

 

To be continued…