7 years.

This morning when I woke up I could hear Josh talking to his brother, I wasn't coherent enough to really know what they conversation was about but they were chatting, not fighting; an important distinction these days.  As I lay there trying to get up the courage to get out of bed and face the day I couldn't help but be transported back 7 years. 7 Years ago today I went to the doctor for an ultrasound and we booked an induction date for three weeks from then. I remember being so scared, having a date made everything that much more real. Tim and I talked in the car ride home and I remember both of us saying we weren't sure we were ready yet.

Less than 24 hours after that appointment we were in the OR having an emergency C-section and meeting Josh for the first time. As they wheeled me into the OR Tim and I were praying that he'd make it, we didn't care about anything else, we just wanted him to live.

Just a few years later he was turning four and as I said goodnight to him on the eve of his birth my only prayer for him was that he would talk to me. I didn't care what he said, I just wanted him to speak.

Today is the eve of his 7th birthday and I look back and see all those answered prayers wrapped up in the gift of this amazing little boy, who lives life to the fullest, who laughs, who brings joy, whose love of humour brings joy to our home and laughter to our lives, who is braver & stronger than most of the people I know. He did live, and his words I love you each night are beautiful reminders to the faithfulness that God has shown us through out this journey. Just this week he stood beside his friends bedside after his friends surgery and he bowed his head, clasped his hands and prayed for him... then laughed at me because I almost cried... this is Josh. Fully in the moment and always seeing humour in life.

Watching Josh light up this morning because 'It's pyjama day'! Seeing his smile when he describes 'the perfect cake' (which I have to bake - scared) is a soothing balm. I have often heard people say 'I don't know how you do it?'... my reply it seems is this:

I wouldn't want to not do it, this child is who he is because of where he's been. I am who I am, because of where Josh has taken me. Our story is not a sad story, it's a story of overcoming, it's a story of joy and miracles, hope and love. There is no greater joy in my life than recognizing the gifts God has given me, and the top three are Tim, Josh and Kaper. I wouldn't choose another way, I wouldn't pick another kid, I am sitting front row to a thousand miracles!

Since I am fully aware of what tomorrow (his actual birthday) is going to look like, I decided to write his birthday post today, on the eve of.

Josh,

One day when you look back on your life I hope that you too will see the many ways that you have touched our lives, and the lives of those you love. My prayer as you grow is that we continue to see the miracles and healing comes your way. I pray that you continue to grow strong in your faith, that you attain each dream you set for yourself. Daddy and I believe in you and know that you have what it takes to do anything you want to do (even be a scientist who makes hamburgers walk). We are so proud of who you are, and all the things you can do. We love you,'all the way to space' ;)

Mummy xoxox