Today we had an unexpected ECHO appointment for Josh, after noticing some things that are signs of heart failure we thought it best to have the doctor know what was going on, she asked us to come in right away. Today we found out that he will most likely need that leaky tricuspid replaced. In fact, we are facing open heart within the next few months. Is this real? Or, am I still sleeping and this is a nightmare? When is enough enough?
Psalm 40 asks the question 'How long must I sing this song'? and as I sat in the doctors office today I found myself asking the same question. How long? How long does Josh need to suffer? How long until this nightmare ends? How long until we can rest? How long until we can watch Josh without that silent fear that lurks in the background? How long before we can watch him sleep without questioning heart failure? How long must this go on? What is the purpose? Why? Why Josh? Why any child?
I am wanting to buy a few plane tickets, for four, and fly away, to hide. To take Josh somewhere safe, to a place where he can know only joy, only laughter, and not know another moment of pain, where he can feel full of life, not tired. My fear is that when we get there, his heart will follow, his pain will continue, our fears will catch up to us.
I am not ready, I am just not ready...
I have tears in my eyes. I long for a time when you know all the answers, and still feel safe, a time when Josh is well and healed, and more importantly, happy.
ReplyDeleteI won't tell you of how you are an example to us all, of faith even when you have doubts. I won't tell you how you are brave to face this as well as you do. These are things you know, and possibly, hate at the moment. I will simply say that you are loved, and that if you take a moment, you will feel God's love wrapped around you.
I wish I had more. sometimes it's almost as hard being an onlooker. Not knowing how to help, or what to say or do... but you have many of us. All here. All Praying. All sending our love and support, and anything else we can possibly think of that would help.
May God keep you, your family, and all those around you safe during these hard times, and may he send swift healing to not only your son, but to you and the hearts of your entire family.
Prayers for you. I know you must be feeling that you can't possibly do this all over again, but you can. God knows you can. If He can bring you to it, He will carry you through it. Sounds so cliche, I know. I KNOW! But it is what God promises us in His Word. He is faithful.
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