screaming with no voice...

I wake up in a cold sweat, the room is dark and the deep breaths of Tim are playing in my ear close beside me. I lie there for a minute, trying to catch my breath, trying to get my bearings. The nightmare still plays in my mind and I am tempted to get up and check the door, just to see if that man is still trying to get into the house, if he is still hiding in the peep hole. My heart flutters, and I go back to that place.


I had been sound asleep, and there is a banging at the door. I try to make my way to the door but I am blind, I can hear the babies crying in the bed beside me and in my heart I know that I have to protect them, I get to the door and I look through the peep hole, a man hides there in the shadows and I know he is there to harm us but I have no voice to scream for help. I try to use my blackberry but I can’t open my eyes to see the screen, the babies are still crying and I am trying to yell, trying to get someones attention, someones help. No one comes, they don’t hear me. He tries the door again and I wake up…

His bunny holding the Oxygen during the ECHO yesterday

Yesterday the waiting ended, my concerns were bang on. His heart is failing and the only option left for us is another open heart surgery before Christmas. How we got here I don’t know, I still find myself thinking that no, this is the past, this isn't happening again. I kept hoping that it was a growth spurt that was making him tired, or that there was some other explanation for his lethargy, his red face etc.

From the moment he was born we have gotten the worst case scenario, the only thing he has beaten the odds at is that he is alive. I am grateful, don’t let this post fool you. I am so infinitely grateful to know Joshua(no matter what the outcome, no matter what the cost of knowing him and loving him), to love him and to be loved by him. He is a blessing I had no idea I wanted in life and yet I couldn’t live without. I just wish for his sake and yes, selfishly for ours, that this was over. That he was healthy, and would be healthy. It is finally dawning on me that he will never be healthy, he will always have a heart defect, his life will always be about ECHO’s and valve issues and blah blah blah…

I have no voice, I am blind, and the man is getting in the door…